When you decide there is something about yourself you aren’t entirely satisfied with how do you go about changing it? As many of you know I made a list of things I felt needed modifying. I started another blog about a year ago and started implementing changes. Some of the changes were physical, lose weight, dress the way you want to feel and smile more. Some of the changes were things that were more deep seeded behavioral and personality issues like trying to be honest more, being more positive and less judgmental. And some of the items on the list just feel by the way side like trying to stop swearing. I swear less in inappropriate situations but I will likely never stop cussing. I just swear a lot and that hasn’t changed.
I still have both physical and emotional intimacy issues but I am working hard to overcome them. I am being honest outside my own comfort zone and trying to be outgoing (even though I still feel more creepy and awkward than I do friendly and extrovert.) I am still balancing my excitement with the sense that I just being overly enthusiastic and obnoxious. I am still trying to find a comfortable way to present myself to a larger audience; that is a group comprised of strangers or mere acquaintances and not just my friends.
I am still pretty shy and get anxious around people I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like they are being too forward. Sometimes I feel like I am being interrogated and get defensive. My responses seem snarky and condescending. Sometimes I just don’t know how to fill the silence. I hate uncomfortable silence. I love silence, like the moment you realize you don’t have to say something to someone. I hate those silences where you feel like you have to fill that quiet space with words or you will be judged for it.
I know I talk about what I have accomplished but I also want to talk about what I still struggle with. I am a pretty anxious girl and find that anxiety does still inhibit me. I am not as trusting as I want to be and I am more optimistic than many people think I should be. I like that I have become more optimistic but being optimistic can also mean more hurt when things don’t work out. I basically assume the best without any justification for why I think things will turn out well. That is a bad way to approach a situation and I am still working on finding the middle. I am working on trying to incorporate what a situation means to me and what the situation may mean for me.
I guess my biggest issues are still with balance. I don’t fall down as often but I still trip enough that I feel clumsy. Weighted boots maybe?