How I Went Over a Decade without Sex (and More Importantly... Why)

Up until December of last year I hadn’t had sex in thirteen years.  Some people find this difficult to believe, other think I am just insane.  I just did what I thought was in the best interest of my child. 

 The last time I had had sex I was twenty-four having sex with a man who had been in a seven year relationship with one of my coworkers, in the front seat of his truck in the driveway of my home in Moreno Valley, CA.  My roommate was home and I shared a room with my then five year old son, so we sat in the truck.

I didn’t even want to have sex with him.  We had actually stopped seeing each other two months prior to our last sexual encounter.  I was moving to Oregon the following week and he insisted that he give me a ride home so that he could say goodbye.  He asked if I would spend the night at his place which he knew I would not do.  I wasn’t spending the night away from son.  After some serious persuasion he climbed on top of me. After a while I told him to finish so I could go in the house.  He stared at me blankly and with a few more thrusts he was finished and I was hurrying into the house without even a goodbye. 

It was that night that I decided that something had to change.  I had been making poor decision that up until that moment had only affected me.  I never wanted them to affect my son.  I made poor choices and I had no desire to see my son suffer for or because my mistakes.  I decided that I needed a break from men.  I felt incapable of making solid healthy choices for myself in regard to my personal relationships so I vowed in that moment that I would not attempt to be in a relationship.  I would focus all of my energy supporting my son.  If I couldn’t be a good example in some aspectof my life then that aspect of my life would just be put on the back burner until it was no longer an issue.

And so I spent the next thirteen years of my life completely abstinent.  I can count on one hand how many times I even kissed a man on the mouth during that period of my life.  I went on a handful of dates that I viewed as platonic and conducted them as just that, friends having dinner or drinks or whatever.  My focus was on my son.  Every decision I made was one that I thought was in his best interest.  I do not regret my choice to practice celibacy for a second.  At some point a few years later I realized I didn’t even notice men much anymore.  If I was informed some was interested in me my automatic response was I am just not really in a place where I want to date right now.

My desire for carnal pleasure during this time was not diminished however.  I thought about sex a lot.  I missed it terribly but I had made up my mind and when I decide I shouldn’t do something my self-control is unfaltering.  And I masturbated a lot.  I mean a lot.  I might hold some record but I never really looked into it.  I was a pro.

And then shortly before the end of this past year, just before my son’s nineteenth birthday I had sex for the first time in over a decade and it was amazing.  I slept with a man I had dated a few times and had crush on for months.  And the sex was everything I hoped it would be.  I had developed a keen understanding of my body which made sex far more enjoyable than anything I had experienced when I was younger.  It was incredible.  

And do you know what I learned after my sabbatical from physical intimacy?  I still have pretty bad taste in men or at least the men that right for me.  It is the lesson I am still learning but not one my son was forced to learn through me.  He knows what love is.  He knows how to treat the people who care about him. And that is the lesson I wanted him to learn.

Posted by trjensen on May 30, 2011

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