I think I need to go back to the list for a little while. I have been doing a lot of exploration of my boundaries lately partially because I need to explore how far I can comfortably push myself and still be contented with my actions. I am also accumulating many experiences so rapidly I hardly have time to examine them all and spending time reflecting on each one has proven exhausting.
I have had a strange two weeks. I have been exploring my sexuality, which is something I spent the bulk of my twenties and early thirties ignoring. I have also been trying to make myself feel guilty for seeking out those experiences as my last post reflected but I really don’t feel bad or undervalued. I am still growing and learning although my actions of late may seem counterproductive given my ultimate desire to have a companion.
I do not feel badly about myself for the choices I have made lately as I do not believe they are a reflection of poor moral character and have not been emotionally damaging to me in the slightest. If anything I feel like I am building up an emotional resistance and learning to delay emotional responses until they are appropriate. If my last pseudo relationship taught me anything it is that I do not want anything or anyone to hurt me so deeply again.
Casual dating may seem to be juxtaposed but I see a means to an end. I am not seeking a relationship at the moment because I still feel that I am ultimately a slave to my emotions and I am trying to rein them in. To me it is more about the experience and I am learning to separate what is really important to me in a relationship. I am learning what I want both physically and emotionally.
By taking emotion out of recent experiences I am better equipped to determine what is important to me in regard personal needs. I need reliability and honesty. I need people to be upfront and I need to be able to give others those things if I want them in return. Right now I am focused on openness in a physical sense. While I have made great strides to grow personally and to truly love who I am (and I DO,) I need to learn to be open and communicate better in vulnerable situations with others. Right now, that is what I am doing.
I am not allowing myself to be used. I am merely exploring what I am and am not capable of. I have no desire to become a man eater (that made me laugh just writing it) or to become emotionally vulnerable to men I know aren’t going to be open to relationship with me given the circumstances of our interactions. I am just focusing on understanding that in myself and learning to control how I feel about that area of a relationship.
I am still growing. I still have my eye on the prize. I just need to work on not taking things so personal and better determine what is expected of me. I misinterpret a lot because I feel such a strong emotional tie between sex and a sense of intimacy. I am learning that I can control the intimacy part and I need to be able to do that. No more confusion, I want to be able to share something with someone because I choose to not because I can’t seem to separate the two.