Deciding you want a partner can be so strange. I suppose it is part of the whole “mid-life” thing. I hate even saying that. It honestly seems like I just woke up one morning with this void inside myself. I just became acutely aware of this emptiness that needed to be filled and spent the better part of the last few years trying to find the piece that would fill it in.

My biggest issue is that seem to be trying to shove square pegs into a round slot most of the time. I watched a movie the other day. It wasn’t very good but one bit of dialogue stood out to me. I found it very relatable.

GUY: I can tell you’re the kind of girl who tries to make a bad thing work.

GIRL: Some people call that optimism.

GUY: I call it crazy.

I laugh even thinking about it because it is true. I want the person I decide I want to spend a considerable amount of time with to be perfect for me. I want to know without a doubt that once they are in my life they will be there for a good long time and that I don’t have to worry about pretense or any of the other bullshit second guessing I typically do when I find a man I like. But what usually happens is that I, like the woman above, start noting the red flags and proceed ahead. No one is perfect right? This could still totally work.

This is not optimism. It is absolutely crazy logic. I do it and many women I know do it. Why do we sell ourselves short? If we are graced with the understanding and knowledge of what we want, why would we ever let the check marks on the cons side of the list stack up and still think we could have a satisfying relationship with that person? And eventually that person will figure it out but you have put so much work into trying to make it work that you wind up devastated when they leave.

I am not saying that any partner will meet all the criteria on your list. Sometimes you spend time with someone and find that there are things you would like that aren’t so significant after all. What we need and want constantly changes as we grow but when you start over looking your basic needs when determining if someone is a suitable long term partner then it is time nip it in the bud. What we want and need is important and those desires are in place for a reason.

Everyone deserves to get what they want and should have the strength to walk away the moment they realize that someone isn’t for them. I am in a place in my life where I am hungry for some stability and continuity and I want it to be dedicated solely to me. I am having trouble finding it and have been far too willing to try to wait it out and hope that at some point things will change. I find myself riding things out a lot lately. I want to get to the point where I am at the very least dating one man and he is only dating me.

I need something that feels like I am making progress. Yet I still haven’t found a man who is on the same page and I overlook it because I “know” eventually we will be. The truth is we probably won’t so I get to decide how much more time I want to spend in this place spinning my wheels. I can stay here or I can clean the slate and try again. I feel like I am playing the first few levels of a video game over and over again trying to get a little further ahead. It is redundant and I am far less enamored with dating then I was. Once I get past the first few levels I start to get excited again but then I get hit by a fucking koopa troopa and have start all over again. I need a cheat code or a warp tunnel so I can start where I left off.

All I want is a man who I like to spend time with, who likes to spend time with me and who is content just sleeping with me. If I like a guy I don’t sleep with other men. I need someone who appreciates what I have to contribute to our spending time together as I much a as I appreciate his contributions. I am really easy to please and I don’t feel like I expect a lot from a partner, a little physical affection and some quality time. I really need to learn not to overlook those things. I do want a relationship or some assurance that someone I am spending time could want that with me at some point. It is a constant hunger, that empty space. I can’t move forward when I know it won’t be filled. Who could overlook something like that? I guess it is time to hit reset.