I am implementing a mandatory “to do” list for myself for the time being. I have deviated from the practices that were helping maintain my health, physically and emotionally. I am going to share it with everyone so I can be held accountable. I used to do these things all the time.
- Run at least three miles every day and walk another three.
- Do some toning at least 30 minutes a day.
- Write every day. (Try to post at least twice a week and write at least one article)
- Rededicate yourself to a healthy diet.
This is simple stuff I just have to make time for. I need to take care of myself and it is really easy for me to do so. I have been sick three times this fall and that is more than I have been ill in almost two years. I blame my poor dietary choices and lack of exercise. I need to get it together. I want to lose at least ten pounds before Thanksgiving.
It sounds like a plan to me.
Posted by trjensen on October 30, 2011
I don’t feel insecure often. I have worked very hard and I am proud of the transformations I have made in my life. I spent the better part of the past two years losing weight, focusing on my writing and trying to find a man who I care for and want to spend time with. Lately haven’t been doing much writing and I have (gasp) actually gained some weight. I have found a man who I am developing feelings for at a moment in which his life is getting complicated. All of these things are making me feel insecure.
I have gained more weight than I am comfortable with. This is happening for several reasons. I haven’t been feeling very well lately. I have been eating pretty poorly and I haven’t been getting nearly enough exercise. The weather in Portland seems to be pretty extreme for this time of year. It seems colder than it normally is and so I haven’t been running or walking. I need to suck it up and start exercising again. I need to take more care in what I eat and I need to get healthy again, in general. I am still well with in my weight range for my height/age but I am not super pleased with the way my body looks and feels of late. I need to get well and get back in shape. This is easy to achieve but in the meantime I am not feeling very confident about my body thus hindering my sense of self.
I have also not been writing nearly as much as I need to or as much as I enjoy. Writing often supplements my income and not doing it has put some strain on my finances. I find it more difficult to write when things in my life are going well. I find more inspiration in my struggles. I need to focus on my positivity and find a way to express the positive in positive situations, not just the negative ones. Writing clears my head, it helps me grow and it keeps me focused. I need to stay focused because when I don’t I gain weight and stop writing.
I have also been seeing someone for almost two months now and I am very happy with progression of our relationship. He makes me happy. He makes me feel valued and I really do love just sitting curled up next to him on his couch and talking. He really is what I look for in a man and I am happy to have him in my life. He became a first time father this week, started a new job and is going to college in the winter. The potential that we may not have as much time together makes me feel a little lonely. His life has become very busy very quickly and I am feeling very scared and unsure about our future. I still believe we have one it is just changing and that leaves me lots of time to worry about what can go wrong.
All of this has left me feeling insecure. I am insecure about everything and I can’t remember the last time I was this worried about things that, for the most part, I can resolve. So I am writing tonight, I am running tomorrow regardless of the weather and I am going to stop worry about things that are out of my control. I have become pretty good at changing my circumstances. I just need to take care of me first. Right now I need to do that. I need to get back to my normal healthy, optimistic self. I have no reason to feel insecure I just have work to do.
Posted by trjensen on October 30, 2011
With his few final thrusts he pulled me up against him and kissed my shoulder, back and neck, finally sliding his hand under my chin and he turned my face to his. “You’re amazing,”he whispered. He gently pressed his lips against mine, sliding his hand down my neck. He ran his fingers lightly down my arm. When his hand reached my hip he gripped it while he pressed his body against my back and draped his arm across my waist. I laid quietly, his heart still beating hard enough that I could feel it against my back. His breathe on my neck became soft and more rhythmic as he drifted off to sleep. I lay smiling in the dark completely relaxed and happy with the world.
Sometimes there are moments in my life that happen exactly the way I want them to, moments where if the world were to end in that very second I would be absolutely content. I appreciate those moments in my life because in my experience they are rare. I want to freeze time and be able to recall with exact detail how I felt.
What I want is so simple. I appreciate and care for the people who share those moments where I am genuinely happy. I drifted off to sleep, happy and exhausted. Can I just sleep in a man’s arms, feeling appreciated and cared for, for the rest of my life? I would be the happiest woman in the world. I need to thank someone. I don’t think I could ever accurately articulate how amazing last night was. It was truly perfect.
Posted by trjensen on October 17, 2011
Last week I was asked to fill out a set of questions for one of my favorite bloggers, Lafemmeroar! She posted the interview on her blog today. You can read it here. I really appreciate her acknowledging me. You should can check out her amazing, funny, inspirational blog here.
She has also been nominated for a Blogger’s Choice Award!
Posted by trjensen on October 14, 2011
Two of my closest friends are gone. I have been spending a lot of time with another friend but I am afraid that is going to stop soon, too. I feel lonely right now. It is another one of those situations where I feel something he doesn’t. I just don’t want to be sitting home alone. I think I have a lot of that to look forward to. I am depressed. I feel very isolated.
I don’t know who I am going to go out with or who I am going to cuddle up with. Who am I supposed to go shopping with when I am sad. Sometimes I don’t want to be alone. Right now is one of those times.
I have been feeling sorry for myself today. Everyone has those moments. I just don’t have anyone to talk to about any of it with. It’s just been a rough day. I have had a hard twenty four hours. I have been crying and writing a lot. Maybe I needed to do both. I guess I need more friends.
Posted by trjensen on October 8, 2011
Deciding you want a partner can be so strange. I suppose it is part of the whole “mid-life” thing. I hate even saying that. It honestly seems like I just woke up one morning with this void inside myself. I just became acutely aware of this emptiness that needed to be filled and spent the better part of the last few years trying to find the piece that would fill it in.
My biggest issue is that seem to be trying to shove square pegs into a round slot most of the time. I watched a movie the other day. It wasn’t very good but one bit of dialogue stood out to me. I found it very relatable.
GUY: I can tell you’re the kind of girl who tries to make a bad thing work.
GIRL: Some people call that optimism.
GUY: I call it crazy.
I laugh even thinking about it because it is true. I want the person I decide I want to spend a considerable amount of time with to be perfect for me. I want to know without a doubt that once they are in my life they will be there for a good long time and that I don’t have to worry about pretense or any of the other bullshit second guessing I typically do when I find a man I like. But what usually happens is that I, like the woman above, start noting the red flags and proceed ahead. No one is perfect right? This could still totally work.
This is not optimism. It is absolutely crazy logic. I do it and many women I know do it. Why do we sell ourselves short? If we are graced with the understanding and knowledge of what we want, why would we ever let the check marks on the cons side of the list stack up and still think we could have a satisfying relationship with that person? And eventually that person will figure it out but you have put so much work into trying to make it work that you wind up devastated when they leave.
I am not saying that any partner will meet all the criteria on your list. Sometimes you spend time with someone and find that there are things you would like that aren’t so significant after all. What we need and want constantly changes as we grow but when you start over looking your basic needs when determining if someone is a suitable long term partner then it is time nip it in the bud. What we want and need is important and those desires are in place for a reason.
Everyone deserves to get what they want and should have the strength to walk away the moment they realize that someone isn’t for them. I am in a place in my life where I am hungry for some stability and continuity and I want it to be dedicated solely to me. I am having trouble finding it and have been far too willing to try to wait it out and hope that at some point things will change. I find myself riding things out a lot lately. I want to get to the point where I am at the very least dating one man and he is only dating me.
I need something that feels like I am making progress. Yet I still haven’t found a man who is on the same page and I overlook it because I “know” eventually we will be. The truth is we probably won’t so I get to decide how much more time I want to spend in this place spinning my wheels. I can stay here or I can clean the slate and try again. I feel like I am playing the first few levels of a video game over and over again trying to get a little further ahead. It is redundant and I am far less enamored with dating then I was. Once I get past the first few levels I start to get excited again but then I get hit by a fucking koopa troopa and have start all over again. I need a cheat code or a warp tunnel so I can start where I left off.
All I want is a man who I like to spend time with, who likes to spend time with me and who is content just sleeping with me. If I like a guy I don’t sleep with other men. I need someone who appreciates what I have to contribute to our spending time together as I much a as I appreciate his contributions. I am really easy to please and I don’t feel like I expect a lot from a partner, a little physical affection and some quality time. I really need to learn not to overlook those things. I do want a relationship or some assurance that someone I am spending time could want that with me at some point. It is a constant hunger, that empty space. I can’t move forward when I know it won’t be filled. Who could overlook something like that? I guess it is time to hit reset.
Posted by trjensen on October 8, 2011
The other day I was sitting on a friend’s couch watching a movie and he asked me why I hadn’t been writing. I have been in my own little bubble a lot lately. People are constantly inquiring what has happened to me. “I am being lazy.” “I have been sick.” “I have been doing other things.” These are my standard responses and all are true but the real reason I haven’t been writing as much or at least updating my blog is that I am happy. I have been pretty content lately and that frightens me.
I don’t get to be content. I am a fretter and a dweller so I am always, even on my most optimistic days, waiting for the bottom to drop out. I just can’t seem to fully let my guard down. I still can’t relax. I don’t find myself in those moments very often. It does happen for fleeting moments occasionally and always in the company of the same person but something causes it to pass almost the very second I realize it has happened, that I am Zen, at peace with my place in the world.
I have written, on a number of occasions, about wanting a relationship and wanting to just be able to relax fully around one person and not worry or doubt that I am wanted there. They seem like simple things to want but seem impossible, at least for now, to obtain. I love the moments when I can relax but they are still fleeting. I suppose I appreciate them more because they are. In all of my self-reflection and growth is to appreciate the little things and enjoy simplicity.
I am happy. I am in a good place but I am still searching for that place inside me where I can just relax and the world can fall away. I hope everyone gets that. I think everyone deserves it. For me, it was I strive for, every day. I just want to find the place where I am not only content but truly, completely satisfied with what is happening in my life.
Posted by trjensen on October 7, 2011