First let me say I have to do this. It isn’t a full retraction; it is however an apology for hurting someone’s feelings because mine were hurt and quite frankly I was more than a little pissed off. Regardless of what I am feeling now I meant what I said about caring and I never want to hurt someone I care about based largely on assumptions regardless of whether or not they are based on fact.
You know who you are,
I was surprised when IM’d me today, after reading my blog, upset about the fact I felt you would not repay your debt to me. I did my best to explain why I felt the way I did. I am hurt. I am angry. I am listening to other people and didn’t take you at your word. Regardless of the excuse my assumptions that you had no intention of repaying me were just that, assumptions. I should have given you the benefit of the doubt.
The thing is the direr my financial situation became the more stressed and worried I was about the money. I could just use it but you don’t have it and if you say you will pay me back then I am going to take you at your word. You have never been dishonest with me and I had no right to doubt you.
You’ve almost completely turned your back on me and it was easy for me to assume that was because you have no intention of paying me back. Today you told me you would and I believe you. I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. My only defense is I am hurt too. That is a pretty juvenile excuse and the truth is I am better than that. I was happy when we were together and I guess I am hurt more than I want to admit that we are not anymore.
I am sorry.
Posted by trjensen on December 16, 2011
I am thirty-eight years old but most of the time over the past year or so I often refer to myself as a girl. Stepping backing into the dating scene after better than a decade of no intimate male interaction, has left me feeling lost at sea, floating in a wayward life raft in a see full of sharks. I feel naïve and often confused by the world around me. I feel like a much younger version of myself.
I thought that upon returning to the dating scene I would find, in men roughly my age, it would be easy to find someone looking for a commitment and many of the trials and pretense I encountered as a youth would no longer exist. I truly believed it would be just that simple. As I discovered that was not the case I lost my bearings.
In the new dating world it is more difficult to just meet a man the way I used to. There is seldom an instance where I am introduced to someone through a mutual friend or I connect with someone at a social gathering. Today it seems that everyone has turned to internet dating, a tool I just can’t seem to make work for me. I am too dismissive and in the privacy and safety of my own mind far too judgmental to just give my online suitors a shot. I need something tangible and the pages of profiles and inbox full of messages are overwhelming, something that only exists on my computer monitor. I need to see someone, the way they move, hear the sound of their voice. I need to be able to look someone in the eye.
Still, I do manage to date. I have become far more preoccupied with aesthetics and far more willing to concede when it comes to moral character or like values, like a silly high school girl who is more concerned with appearance than substance. Sometimes I get lucky but my taste in men has changed so drastically since I was a youth that I still feel like I am assembling a list of what I need and want in a relationship, often failing to effectively communicate what is important to me as result.
Dating is just silly, confusing and sometimes painful. But it is also an amazing adventure. I have learned a lot about myself and what I am capable of. It can be tiresome. At times it genuinely feels like a chore but I like the fun aspect of it all. I like the maybe this is it moments, the optimism. I like the thrill of the first few dates, the moment where you realize you have finally relaxed, the first time you wake up in someone’s arms and want to freeze that moment forever. I try to focus on the positive.
I am learning as I date. I know what I don’t want and need to stick to my list of what is unacceptable. I need to concede less. I need develop a core list of what is most important to me and not overlook it when someone doesn’t meet the basic requirements. I need to approach dating with the mindset that I want a partner and not just hope that something develops from something I deem fun. That hasn’t worked well for me so far. I need to date like a grown up.
Posted by trjensen on December 16, 2011