I have written about this topic before, The Magic Number. I am neither proud nor ashamed of the number of men I have slept with. It does however bother me that anyone would ask me just how many men that is, outside my close circle of friends.* I figure that if you are in a relationship or starting one with someone that that is what is important, you and your partner. Let’s live in the now, shall we?
I don’t care how many women a man has slept with or even why he did, I care that he was safe and clean, but the actual number is unimportant. I have had men ask me my number and I always answer the question truthfully because I pride myself on how open I am. I also love the, often, surprised look on their faces when I answer the question. I love watching them take my answer in and their shock at the readiness with which I respond. In most instances I feel that if they are going to base the longevity of our relationship on my past then we might as well get it out of the way early on and if they cannot deal then it is best I find out sooner rather than later.
But really, why do men even want to know? If you are concerned about who is more experienced, being intimate will likely answer any questions you might have. I find that in most instances it is more about ego. I don’t care about ego. If I want to be with a man then I want to be with him. I have even found in situations where the sex was lacking, I could still have a pretty solid relationship. There is always the potential for improvement. Sex is the best when you care about each other’s needs and are willing to take the time explore what appeals to both parties. Truly fulfilling sex takes time and a willingness to learn what your partner needs. No amount of partners is going to teach what an individual wants.
Numbers don’t mean much to me. I hate being asked. How is my past relevant to my present? I am in a place in my life where I just want one. I want one for a good long time but sometimes things don’t work out the way we want and I may just increase my number. It doesn’t bother me. I am looking for someone to share my life with and that means a few more notches in my bedpost. If that means I have more experience then any sane guy should appreciate that as much as a woman appreciates a man who is fantastic in bed.
I always liken inquiring about one’s number to slut shaming. Like my number of partners says something terrible about me rather than what it means to me. My number means that I have been looking for someone amazing for a while, who could be amazing in many aspects of my life and I just haven’t found him yet. That is what my number means. It doesn’t make me feel like I am a slut or that I am too promiscuous. What it means is that I am still looking and trying to find the right man for me.
And I do like sex. I especially like sex with when I see the potential for something more and if I see it then the last thing you should be doing is asking me how many partners I have had. You should be making sure I don’t kill bunnies or I don’t hate babies. You should be inquiring about my plans for the future; you most certainly shouldn’t be worrying about who I was sleeping with before I found you.
*One of my friends asks me about my number based on the idea that once you have had twenty partners you will never get married a la the movie “What’s Your Number?” She always asks me,”How many guys until you are never getting married?” I think it is hilarious!
Cakes McCain
/ January 27, 2012I just saw the trailer for that film last night and I was like “WTF?”
I myself am not even sure what a high number is. I guess age would have to factor in there. BUT a number of years ago I read about this topic in a book and it said “Men may ask how many partners you have had, but they really don’t want to know.” since then I decline to answer, make a joke or change the subject, It’s too easy to be judged – who needs that? This article also said “Helen Gurley Brown quotes the correct number as 3.” (we can do the math on the date of that quote and figure accordinly – about 15.) When I have been asked – I say exactly that “Helen Gurley B. says…!” AND I no longer ask men my number… I just don’t wanna know!
xoxo
trjensen
/ January 27, 2012I don’t want to know either. I don’t think I have ever asked a guy unless he was just my friend and continually talking about conquests. (my Tucker Max friends) And the typical response is “A lot!” LOL! I just think it isn’t relevent.
BTW: “What’s Your Number?” is an awful movie in my humble opinion but I see alot of myself in the storyline. And I really took a bit of dialog from the movie and applied to my dating life.
Guy: You seem like the type of girl who tries to make a bad thing work.
Girl: Some people call that optimism.
Guy: I call it crazy.
thefutureofhope
/ January 27, 2012I pride myself on being open as well. And from a married someone who has a high number; marriage is based on two people not a magic number. Yes a number can be informative as far as tendencies, emotional wellness, and taste goes. But, I do not think that conversation is necessary. If so it doesn’t need to be had till you get to know the person enough to know if you are seriously thinking ‘this’ could be more. I have never let a number or ‘cleanliness’ get in the way of my heart, but if cleanliness was an issue I’d wait till I was for sure for serious. But hey, that is just my opinion! I am lucky. Very lucky. Got a high number, am clean, and scored a very handsome understand man! They are out there but I swear they are under rocks!
trjensen
/ January 27, 2012By clean I meant “not gonna give me anything.” But the number thing is not an issue and my number seems to shock a lot of guys. (Who’d of guessed.) And the guy I am dating now is pretty awesome and amazing looking but if IO had to guess I would say he has never had a problem getting laid. We want to spend time together now and I am loving that and… I don’t think he would ever ask me.
thefutureofhope
/ January 27, 2012LOL I knew what you meant and I meant it as in there are somethings that aren’t so easily fixed in that area that are pretty dominant these days unfortunately! So in my book, your pretty lucky to be clean, low or high numbers alike.
mysterycoach
/ January 27, 2012I gotta tell you, when I was younger insecurity and lack of experience made me wonder if the woman before me had something I didn’t. One day… It snapped in my head that, it just didn’t matter. I was in my late teens or early 20′s at the time.
I don’t need to know how many women the guys had before me. Matter of fact if he knows something I don’t we could thank that woman for showing him that move. LOL
Course I wouldn’t, I’m just saying… BUT … I don’t really care.
As for myself, I have my own level of experiences sexually, which is my business and I don’t volunteer a response to that question because A. It’s none of their business and B. I can’t see the relevance of the question as it pertains to the “now”.
Hope this isn’t too blunt, I’m cranky today
… I gotta run and get ready for work! oooooh … See ya later honey.
trjensen
/ January 27, 2012Not too blunt. We are in total agreement.
mysterycoach
/ January 27, 2012Score! LOL
Lorna's Voice
/ January 27, 2012I think it’s human nature to wonder how you compare to others–self-esteem, you know. The question really isn’t about numbers but about experience and where each person in the relationship ranks on the “experience” meter. “Am I the best you ever had?” That’s what people really what to know. That’s my guess.
trjensen
/ January 27, 2012It is funny that you mention that because the last guy who asked me my number stewed it over then asked where he ranked as far as size. My exact response was, “This converstion is over.” He laughed it off but tried to ask me a couple more times.
mysterycoach
/ January 27, 2012OMG… WTF? You know? I’ve never been asked this particular question… thank god. LOL
trjensen
/ January 27, 2012I have had several guys ask me about size. It is funny. It is typically the well endowed ones too. I do not answer that question EVER!
mysterycoach
/ January 27, 2012I don’t think I’ve come across that question like, ever. Talked about it, but not been asked that question by a guy I was with.
Reminds me of that movie, Liar Liar. Did you see it? Wait, lemme see if I can find the clip on youtube … brb… Here you go! ROFL! Just use the penis question for what she says hahaha!
silly_G
/ January 28, 2012Wow! I’ve had a couple guys ask this too and thought it was insane! Bad thing is, the first guy I dated had very um good one. I’m sure the look that crosses my face says it all no matter what response I manage to muster up!
trjensen
/ January 28, 2012It is a pretty strange thing to ask. Why would you ever want me to answer that? Because if I am honest you might not like my answer.
lizziecracked
/ January 27, 2012I really like reading your posts about stuff like this because you have such a sensible perspective that makes perfect sense to me. Who cares? I once was with a guy that wanted to know the length and girth of every guy I ever slept with, I couldn’t decide if this was a concealed effort to get a number out of me or a serious concern about his shortcomings that only really existed in his own mind – he was fine but not up to his own standard.
Peace
trjensen
/ January 27, 2012Please tell me you did not indulge that line of questioning. Sometimes men are so insecure and about the irrelevant stuff. Size only gets you so far.
Jeanna
/ January 27, 2012I have to agree with you, numbers don’t matter. And sex between two people is all about chemistry. You and I could have sex with the same guy (okay that sounded weird) but you could think it was absolutely amazing, and I could walk away like meh, I’ve had better. Numbers has nothing to do with anything. My number is also kind of shocking for most men, so I don’t share that either. No, their not conquests, but it’s important to me that sexual chemistry is good and I to will explore to examine a relationship etc. Total change of subject (kind of) but kissing tells me a lot in that department as well, if we can’t kiss well together, we aren’t going to make love well. And numbers has absolutely nothing to do with any of that. Loved this post!
trjensen
/ January 27, 2012I totally agree with you and you are right about the kissing. I love kissing and normally if I think he is a really good kisser then I typically enjoy the sex way more. I once dated a guy that would never just kiss, just for the sake of kissing. I hated that because I love kissing and we weren’t too compatible sexually either. Actually, come to think about it I can’t think of one guy that I thought wasn’t a good kisser that I thought was good in bed. That is a great observation.
Hephzibah Cerino
/ January 27, 2012That is totally awesome!
The Reemachronicles
/ January 27, 2012I would NEVER ask a girl her number. That’s something insecure guys do. No guy really wants to know the amount of men his girl slept it anyway. The past is the past
daterofboys
/ January 27, 2012Amen!
trjensen
/ January 27, 2012That is awesome and I too believe it is a sign of insecurity. I most certainly have no desire to know how many women the guy I am dating has slept with. It is none of my business and typically I am pretty happy in our moment. I like to stay in the present.
Jen and Tonic
/ January 27, 2012I have an unusually low number, and I feel like THAT has freaked some men out. They feel as though I’m the type of girl who has sex, and then squeezes a 9 year relationship out of someone. “Oh. Wow. So just with boyfriends then? That’s…respectable.” I never hear from them again
It’s interesting that the same is true on the opposite end of the spectrum. Is the lesson to be learned that men are intimidated by our number no matter what?
I think it’s so great you’re open about it. I agree that a person’s past doesn’t necessarily dictate their future.
trjensen
/ January 27, 2012I read another blog recently and the dude who wrote it basically said a huge difference in numbers is always and issue. I left a comment and said the best way to avoid that is just don’t ask because it is really no one’s business. You are either sexually compatible or you aren’t.
mysterycoach
/ January 27, 2012Or … Honey? How big is it?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWUzEBxCxsU&feature=endscreen&NR=1
LOL
Okay, Okay… I am slap happy tired now. Didja get the how big is my penis reference in there if you change some of the script? “Stay away from me!” … hahaha! Okay… I’m going… (hangs head, walks away)
trjensen
/ January 27, 2012LOL!
mysterycoach
/ January 28, 2012(giggle … )
morefuckingopinions
/ January 28, 2012Up til recently I had never even tried to keep track… it didn’t feel like I even had a number. And then I counted… and no WAY am I ever going to tell a man that. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, but I wouldn’t want to know how many people a man has slept with, I barely even cared about knowing what my number was…
trjensen
/ January 28, 2012Exactly! I don’t care how many girls a man has slept with. I have never been that insecure.
Lafemmeroar
/ January 28, 2012It is a rude question and the truth is who cares. IMO so long as the person is disease free, then who cares about the number. A guy once asked me that question a long long time ago and I was flippant and said “69 oh wait 411 oh no it’s 911″ His eyes popped because the fool for seconds actually believed me; then I said “NOYB.” He didn’t get the number but her got the acronym. I never heard from him again.
trjensen
/ January 28, 2012Good for you! It is so unbelievably rude to ask.
Cadence Harper
/ January 29, 2012Fantastic post! I have NO idea why men think they need to know this.
I stopped answering this question 15 yrs ago when, after hearing my honest answer, the guy drove for over an hour in angry silence. Never answered that question again.. Not even for a girlfriend… In fact, I even refused to count any longer.
Any one bold enough to ask me these days gets “I don’t assign a number to people I’ve shared time with” and that’s it.
trjensen
/ January 29, 2012That is an awesome response, I may steal it!
muhanji ian
/ February 5, 2012Just a wonderful thing to do continue caring for people for people don’t want to know how much you know until they know how much you care…..speak of number nice article
bunya101
/ February 6, 2012You, my dear, are brilliant, insightful and beyond witty. If you’re ever on the Right Coast (NYC, etc) you must let me know. Girl party!
trjensen
/ February 6, 2012Absolutely!
ladywithatruck
/ February 15, 2012Great post!! Lol if a guy asked me how many men I’ve had sex with I’d have to get back to him, I know for sure I won’t remember all their names and some only first names. I haven’t had sex in over a year and prior to that the same man for over 10 yrs. I would like a new partner to be tested for STD’s. I have been tested because I discovered that although I had only slept with one man, he had slept with God knows how many women, and who knows how many men they had slept with, and on it goes.
I don’t ask them how many, really, why would I want to know about his past lovers. I am only concerned with any lovers that appear after we start having sex.
You are right. If they are going to judge you by how many partners you’ve had then maybe they aren’t the one. And I have always enjoyed sex more the more I got to know a man.
I think a couple plays a dangerous game when they ask too many intimate questions. And I totally agree with the kissing, if a guy can’t kiss I just can’t get into it. Kissing is SO important.
I don’t see that a number tells you anything about a person. I’d be more apt to ask if he has ever been unfaithful, been with a man that kind of thing.
Oh about size! One time, omg this was years ago!! I asked the guy if he was in yet! Rotflmao and he was!! Oooooops never did him again.
trjensen
/ February 15, 2012I have asked a guy if he was in yet too! That is awkward. OMG! Poor guys. LOL!
ladywithatruck
/ February 15, 2012Don’t know which was worse asking if he was in yet or when I called the guy buy the wrong name! At least it wasn’t the same guy. The guy was kinda deflated after that and got out of bed and then I thought about it and realized what I’d done. Mind you it was his choice to not be in a committed relationship and was sleeping with someone else too. He got over it!
trjensen
/ February 15, 2012Men are funny. I have never called a man by the wrong name in bed. I have called a guy the wrong name but not in bed. I did however have sex with a guy right after I ended a longer term thing with a guy and I was drunk. I had to keep reminding myself thaat I was not sleeping with my ex because I few times I almost said his name. I just wasn’t ready to sleep with someone else. I think that was the quietest I had ever been during sex because I was afraid I would say something.
celovetalk
/ February 16, 2012I couldn’t agree more! The real question should be when is the last time you’ve been tested and what were the results? People are so quick to judge others by their number but never bother to ask the real question that matters.
trjensen
/ February 16, 2012I recently read another post that, while I understand the logic, I found unfair. The post was discussing how to determine whether or not the woman you were dating was a slut. One of the main ways, he had ascertained, was if a woman was to experienced in the bedroom. I thought this was so wrong. There are things I’ve been told I am very good at and that doesn’t have anything to do with my number. I also don’t think that my sleeping with potential partners makes me a slut. Another indicator, he mentioned was a woman who has too many male friends. I have male friends and I haven’t slept with any of them. With that sort of judgement and drawing of conclusions, it seems nearly impossible that I could ever find a committed relationship, as though my trying to find a long term partner may be the reason I will never have one. It was so frustrating.