I have had my fair share of female drama over the last year and a half. Most recently with a neighbor who felt like I was trying to take men from her. Needless to say she hates me. I don’t care that she hates me and that makes her hate me more. I didn’t date for a very long time. When I began to change things about myself and started losing weight, men started paying attention to me or at least I noticed they were.
I was infatuated with a guy I dated off and on so the male attention was nice but I never really saw it as anything more than ego boost. I barely acknowledged it. I liked flirting from across the room and having casual conversations with men I knew were attracted to me but I was really not interested in anything more than that.
Many of my female acquaintances seemed to harbor some silent anger toward me. I was the butt of their jokes. I was called a hoe, self-absorbed and many of the women I knew would remind me that not long before no guy seemed to know I existed. I was dating someone and never engaged any of the men who bought me drinks or paid me a compliment with anything more than casual conversation. I still managed to be labeled a whore.
When things fell apart with the guy I had been dating and I felt like I was ready to try and date, my mind was in a strange place. I was still angry and hurt about the way I was treated by the guy I had been dating and I knew I needed to work on ensuring that didn’t happen again. I needed to have better control over my emotions. I needed to learn to guard myself against premature emotional connections. I did it in an unconventional way.
I realized that I didn’t really have to try to get men’s attention. I know I was a little slow coming to this realization but I was on a learning curve. I could go out with friends and barely acknowledge a guy I found attractive. We would make eye contact, he would come to where my friends and I were sitting and I would barely engage him. He would talk to my friends; I would comment occasionally, accept a drink from someone else or even leave the table to talk to another person. But at the end of the night, nine times out of ten, I was the girl whose number he asked for.
So for several months, I dated men casually. I seldom felt attached. I was just having fun and learning to better protect my heart. I was learning to separate attraction from genuine connection, to alter the irrational idea that if a man slept with you he must really like you. As I became comfortable with my understanding of what I felt and how I could control how much emotion I put into it, I began to look for something more substantial again.
Again the women in my life seemed annoyed. I had been promiscuous and seldom serious about dating. It was easy not to take me seriously. The teasing and judgment was the same. No one was really supportive. I had again reached the point where I wanted something more. I wanted something longer term and committed. I began dating with something more serious in mind.
To my friends, my behavior hadn’t seemed to of changed. So when I settled on one man, they all seemed surprised. I liked him and I really had no desire to see anyone else, so I didn’t. After a few months things fell apart with him and he was simply lumped in with all the guys I had blown through (no pun intended) over the past few months. The only difference was that I was genuinely hurt. No one really seemed to care. When I finally started dating someone else it became a running joke amongst my friends. After a string of failed attempts at potential long term partners I was teased about my inability to commit and about how often I changed partners. To them, my behavior still seemed very promiscuous.
I paid them no mind and continued to date in the hope that I would find someone I really connected with. I really wanted a relationship and I had to date to find a partner. As some of my friends began realizing I was serious. That I was really looking for something more significant they seemed confused. Many encouraged me to casually date and others admitted they had been envious of adventures. These women, who had been so mean and judgmental, wanted my life? My friends in relationships wanted my life and I wanted what they had. Many tried to convince me that what they had wasn’t so hot. I tried to explain to them that dating just to date wasn’t always as fun as it seemed.
The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I really want a relationship and I took the hard road trying to find one and mean while all my “coupled” friends were living vicariously through my adventures. I really do want just one. I guess I am still entertainment and the women who envy me are content to see me as a slut.
Yes, attractive men like me. Yes, I have had a lot of partners. And yes, I do date a lot but I am also really lonely. Women hate me because as many have admitted, they wish they were doing what I was. Shit! I just want a boyfriend.
Jenny
/ February 13, 2012Wow. Your “friends” don’t sound very friendly. That sucks.
A lot of my friends are in long-term relationships, but it’s my girlfriends who keep me sane when I get a little too in my head about dating. I don’t know what I would do without them!
trjensen
/ February 13, 2012It’s weird with me because I was just not interested in anything to do with men for so long. I had shut that part of myself away and let myself go to hell on top of it. So to most of the people who were there before the transformation I had just lost my mind. To the one’s who only knew me the way I am now, I am just a crazy sex freak. Not everyone is mean. But I am always labeled the slutty one. I am the one who will take the guy you’ve been working on all night even though I barely spoke to the guy. I can see where there might be animosity in that. Some people are worried that I will try to take their man. I have never done that to a friend and never would. But I do get a lot of questions like, “Who are you dating this week?” or “Oh you’ve got a new one huh?” I just say “Yup, guess I still need to work on my girlfriend skills.” It doesn’t bother me but I have noticed that even your friends get kinda mean when they feel like you are the competition. The weird thing is I am not trying to compete with them. Even my male friends give me shit about it. I am used to it. I’ve developed quite a thick skin.
Some of my friends really are only teasing. Some are amazingly supportive and a little envious and others really feel like they need to take me down a few notches.
Cakes McCain
/ February 13, 2012You are your own woman. I raise my glass to you. cheers!
(don’t worry ’bout the guy, cause whatever happens YOU will be fine)
trjensen
/ February 13, 2012The funny thing is I get really excited when I actually like a guy because I have had my “He’ll do.” moments. So then I get all chatty about him. I get excited and then… nothing. My dating life is so anticlimactic. :/
mysterycoach
/ February 13, 2012Tell these “ladies” to go scratch.
Oh, shit. I said that out loud.
So, years ago, doing almost the same thing you’re talking about, minus any friends calling me names (at least that I’m aware of) my one friend was like “How come you can just find another JUST like that and we can’t?” My response, “I’m open to it, I’m friendly and easy to talk to.” End of discussion.
So listen, my point here is that, they need to grow up and at some point and time you’ll have to tell these “ladies” to mind their manners because you don’t appreciate their comments.
I had the opposite as I got older. Since I already played and did whatever I wanted when I was younger, my friends who were getting divorced I’d tell them what was what so they “did not” feel like they were whoring around. And, who defines that anyway? I don’t know who defines that nor if it’s anyone else’s business either.
The Ladies need to put their little claws back in their paws and leave you be. ttthhhpppppttttt…
Now. This “is” supposed to be harsh LOL but it’s not at you. LOL
oooh yah, and if they’re acting this way, seems to me their insecure. I’ve always loved watching my friends finding a guy, flirting and enjoying themselves. Like there’s not more for all of us? Seriously.
The things women do to one another. Annoying.
trjensen
/ February 13, 2012Women are mean to each other. At the moment I don’t spend time with too many women. I think that is probably part of why they feel like they can judge me. I went to bar one night with three friends. One was hitting on this guy. She was just all up in his face. My other friend said, “At least you aren’t the hoe, hoe tonight.” I asked her when she’d ever seen me come on to a guy like that and she admitted that she hadn’t. The guy was probably ten years younger than us (which I don’t mind.) The entire time she was hitting on him he kept looking over at me and smiling. I just laughed. But when we were about to leave he asked me for my number. I didn’t even speak to him the entire night because my friend was interested in him. I didn’t give it to him but everyone still felt like I tried to steal a guy from my friend. I was so annoyed by that. I didn’t even know the guys name.
mysterycoach
/ February 13, 2012Gawd… (toothaches back, I shouldn’t say stuff LOL)
Idiots. I see high school… No. Middle school mentality is back in session… Okay, more anbesol… see ya later.
At some juncture, are we not too old for this nonsense? Jeeez (them) …
The Reluctant Monogamist
/ February 13, 2012You just need better friends. Nothing wrong with what you are doing or how you are going about finding what you’re looking for. They are insecure because they see you taking a different path, ergo you are shitting all over the path that they took. Not so – they are just not very secure with their lives and their choices. Oh look, she seems slutty I’ll focus on her and her evil, sluttish ways so I don’t have to examine my own life.
trjensen
/ February 13, 2012I agree with you. The only thing I can say in some of their defense is that some of these people have known me for many years and so to them… I’ve done a complete 180. It shouldn’t matter but I understand them thinking I might be a little nuts. LOL!
I don’t feel bad about looking or how I am looking but insinuating that I just run through guys is a little hurtful because I would really like for one to stick.
mysterycoach
/ February 13, 2012ROFL!
“So I don’t have to examine my own life”… hahaha! That’s SO TRUE!
The Reluctant Monogamist
/ February 13, 2012It’s a numbers game. You will have to blow (or not blow, your choice) through a lot until you find one that’s right for you!
PDX Running Chick
/ February 13, 2012Your “friends” leave a lot to be desired. Women are mean, especially to one another, I have never understood this fact of life. You seem to know yourself though, so fuck them and continue on your path. You will find the one you connect with eventually, just be patient (and damn do I know that’s easy to say . . . ). I admire you for knowing what you want and doing your thing the way you see fit despite your friends stupid judgment.
Summer
/ February 13, 2012Story of my life too. The void between my married and coupled friends and me has become so wide that we don’t even talk anymore. I’m jealous of their lives (I want a happy marriage too), they think their men are going to sleep with me, we have little in common…. it’s a toxic and uncomfortable mixture. I’m certain many women call me a whore too. It seems like many married women sit on their high horse and judge without knowing how hard it is to be unlucky in love.
trjensen
/ February 13, 2012It isn’t just the married ones. Some of my single friends are the same way. I do get sick of it. I’ve gone out with girls who absolutely insane for men’s attention. The things they do is shocking. And I have heard stories from some of my male friends are just as crazy. I typically just sit there. I can almost always tell which guys are interested in me and most of the time they spend more time talking to my friends but when whatever is going on starts winding down they approach me. Then I look like the asshole.
I have never tried to take attention from any friend I was out with but somehow I get pegged as the hijacker. I rather go out with guys but there are perils involved in that too. I once went out with one of my good male friends and he got pissed because he complimented her and I agreed with him. She immediately focused on me. I don’t know if she was trying to get rid of him or just liked me but he was pissed for the rest of the night. Anytime a guy came around he would be an asshole until they left.
mysterycoach
/ February 13, 2012Understand one small thing about women. The ones who are like you’re describing anyway, first of all, they’re making it way too easy for these guys and you hanging back and just being you is the catch. That whole desperation “look at me!” “look at me!” thing? Meh… cough, sputter, blegh… to me that’s like a walking target.
I remember this one girl who was a classic manipulator. We’d go out but she intentionally would go after the person who was talking to me. One time, I thought … did she just do that and I “almost” said something to her BUT she did it intentionally whereas I didn’t care either way. Oh wait, there was another girl like that too that I knew, but we weren’t friends. I used to watch her with amusement and one time her stupidity got the best of her. She did get the guy who I had been eyeing up and he did something to her.
She “thought” I was jealous but again… I’m sorry, HOW many men are there in the world and I didnt’ care about meeting someone, still don’t when I go out, if I do fine, if not, fine. She came into work after doing her suck up routine to him in tears… so I can only imagine. When I told her, after her relaying a conversation to me about what he’d said to her friend (my other acquaintance) I told her, he’s no good… she thought I was jealous.
Well… now, I don’t know what happened to her but had she stopped and listened, that would not have happened. I felt bad for the girl but it’s like… seriously.
Am I making any sense? LOL My tooth woke my hinny up again and here I am.
trjensen
/ February 14, 2012I had an acquaintance that asked me if I would come sit with her because she had a guy coming over and they’d never met in person. i asked how she knew him and she said she’d met him on a dating site. (At this point I hadn’t used one and eben I thought it was nuts he was coming to her house.) We weren’t close but I said sure. She was about twelve years younger than me and the guy was younger than that. When he showed up he introduced himself to me and then the girl. He brought beer and told me to help myself. I was feeling sort of uncomfortable as it was so I grabbed a beer. This girl was out of control. She was sitting on his lap. She asked him to take off his shirt and she was literally grinding herself on him and placing his hands places that were definitly forward for a first (second. third…) meeting. He really didn’t seem to mind, though. I told her I was going to go and she kept asking me to stay so I sat there and drank several beers. She was asking him questions about sex and positions. It was uncomfortable for me. I narely spoke to the guy. I answered questions of asked but I really didn’t know what to say. So after a while, she goes into the house and he asks how I know her and I tell him. He said he thought I was attractive and I said thank you. Then he said he wished he was there to see me. I smiled and shrugged. He said that the other girl was freaking him out. I said she was freaking me out too. We laughed but by then I was feeling even more awkward about all of it. When she came out, I said I was going togo home and the guy said, “Please come back.” The girl looked at him and then begrudgingly asked that I stay longer.
I ran to my place (apartment complex) and went to the bathroom and then went back to the girl’s. They were still on her porch but she was glaring at me like I had just stole her cookies. I asked her what was up and the guy said, “I told her I was more interested in you.” WTF!!! I got up and said I was going home. She wouldn’t even look at me. Then the guy asked if he could come see my place. My mouth dropped open and I looked at the girl. She said, “Oh I don’t give a shit!” I motioned for him to come with me because I knew he wanted away from her. When we stepped in the house I turned to him and he definitely wanted something to happen. What happened after that… I was drunk and he was hot. And then I made him go home. I never talked to him again, he texted me but I didn’t respond. He never spoke to her again either.
Needless to say, she hates my guts but I am not fond of her either. I had no intention of even staying that long but she made3 herself so unattractive. That us when I learned it is better to just relax and let what happens happen.
mysterycoach
/ February 14, 2012ROFL! (mind u and not to bring it up again, but I still have that damned toothache … so I’m crotchety) BUT
HAHAHAHA! oops… are you offended? I hope not, that’s just funny as sin!
This is your classic regression that women do with a guy. Oh hell, I did it myself a couple times. Not “like this” exactly but close, it was the alcohol at the time though, in my defense. I was a complete twit. Which is why I know what she was doing… total regression. Except for talking to him that way about sex… didn’t do that.
I’m shaking my head at me right now, it was about … hell, I believe I was 33, had too much alcohol and I just didn’t have a care in the world, I was happy to see him. (We had dated prior though) Nooooo… only that time and one other both alcohol induced BUT here’s the thing, we’d been out before. Situationally different.
Yah. You can’t do that (her) and have that turn out well. Well, I guess you could. But… for myself that’s not THE wisest thing.
I agree with you, relax and let it happen, definitely make sure you’re on the same page. I’d done this twice like I said, the one guy we went out for 1.5 yrs., and the other we’d gone out and he’d just broken up with someone, I was going to walk away because he wasn’t over that yet. I was right, that was a pure mistake on my part. PURE Mistake… you know, I said, “Honey, you’re not ready for a new relationship, you had this happen, that happen etc., ” Well… yah, he’d said it was over with that girl, but you know? When he drives by her house with you in the car? HELLO? I knew and then, dugh… it was over. See? I’ve made the same mistakes I see other’s making.
It’s kind of like while others were married and making that work I was making my dating mistakes. You missed the whole, almost year I spent lamenting over this one guy. Very long story. That was a very large refresher for my brain, as well as reading blogs and seeing what people are doing these days. The boys down at the butcher shop here? Yah… LOL
I vented to them too one day and they were like …
“how did YOU miss that?” Lack of exposure and lack of communication and lack of my listening to myself.
LOL
I’m trying to think if I’ve ever been in this situation myself … OH! I did have a room mate who brought this very wealthy guy home and she’d always invite me. I have a block on that kind of thing, I wouldn’t go near him and he was always a gentleman but … she felt insecure around him.
I gotta tell ya… at some point I would have told this young lady of yours you were leaving and left. Course, now you know… I mean, unless watching is your thing… hahahaha!
Ooouuch, ma’face! LOL ! Oh my goodness… the things we do …
trjensen
/ February 14, 2012It was funny and still is hilarious to me. He was young and very attractive and I was drunk and thinking “Well since your here.” And I was going through the casual sex thing. I like younger guys but he was a little younger than I could deal with. He actually thought I was gonna’ let him stay. He rolled over to go to sleep and I told him it was time for him to go home. He was confused by that but he left without getting pissy. I wouldn’t want to make a habit of it but it was fun.
mysterycoach
/ February 14, 2012LOL
Well… shit happens. I remember I had every intention of liking this one guy and we were together once and for the next “year” (I’d met someone else thereafter, directly) he would come by the bar I worked and be all like … he would cry. I mean, I felt badly but I just wasn’t interested.
I remember one time, he showed up, this poor kid… very talented nice young man but seriously not for me, he was literally very feminine… so, he showed up and in his pouty little way he had was like “I met a girl and we’ve been going out for plah time and I also have a job now with a graphics design company”. I was SO happy for him! Relieved too because I believe it would end there.
It didn’t. One night thereafter the bouncers asked me if I wanted them to ask him to leave, he was hanging out again crying about how I didn’t like him. I just you know… it wasn’t there for me. So see? Men and women go around pointing fingers at one another but I’ve seen both sexes go through the same things. It’s not intentional either at times.
It kinda just happens… like your situation here.
trjensen
/ February 14, 2012I have had a few guys that just wanted to hang around. That just makes me uncomfortable. I have had issues shaking a guy or just had a guy who was interested (and I like to be liked, ya know) but then he’d do something creepy and I’d have to tell him. I have told male friends this when they like a woman and she just isn’t into them but keeps them around. I’d tell them, if you were buying me dinner and taking me to do stuff and all I had to do was hang out and talk to you then of course I would let you do those things because I like feeling valued and I like that you want me but that doesn’t mean I want to be with you in an intimate capacity. It means I like the attention but if you get creepy or force the issue of something more then I am going to send you on your way.
I knew a man who basically got friended by every female he courted because he would go out of his way and he was so fucking desperate. But if he liked a girl he’d go all out and she would let him until he started crying. I am actually going to write about this today! Yup! Hope you are feeling better my friend. If you aren’t… go to the effing dentist, huh? xoxo T
mysterycoach
/ February 14, 2012Hangs head… yes Ma’me … I’m going to the dentist. BUT first ! I have to finish these antibiotics to get rid of any infection and THEN I promise… I like my dentist, he’s nice. He has a BIG needle LOL
No seriously though, he’s gentle I trust him … it’s cool. He’ll yell at me I’m sure… ugh. No, he will. I was going to take care of this months ago but I cancelled the appointment because I just didn’t want him digging in my face that day. So, here you go, self imposed boo boo.
Right, I have told my guy friends the same thing over the years. Some women will use the hell out of them and I’m not going to sit and watch their good nature be taken advantage of like that. Nope, that’s not nice.
I am very clear with male friends as to my intentions. We know we’re friends. Period. I mean, if something comes up and we have to have a discussion we do. This way no one gets hurt or has any preconceived notions as to where it is, or is not going.
Oh, your friend sounds like this fella I dated and then we talked years later. He wanted to be someone’s knight in shinning armour but he met scavengers who took advantage of him, then he’d feel hurt and blame the girl. uh… No, dummy… this is how that works. Oye they walked all over his wallet… he figured that if he was fixing everything for them, spoiling them etc., that his payoff would be love. And the ones who spotted him? Oh boy… he was a walking target for someone to take advantage of. I stopped telling him. He wasn’t listening. I think he is with someone nice now, which is good
Gotta go!
Din din… 
daterofboys
/ February 14, 2012Ah, the jealous girls…not even worth your thoughts, even though I know how it feels.
Tell them that high school is over
And you’ll have your boyfriend…things will fall into place.
Happy Valentine’s, Darlin’!
westwood
/ February 14, 2012Seems to me like you need different friends.
Cadence Harper
/ February 14, 2012I agree with Monogamist (as usual… We are SO alike!) Need new friends. My girlfriends are nothing like that… Even the jelous ones aren’t snide. Have you let them know it bothers you?
I’m also not crazy about the “women are mean to each other” line. Isn’t that kind of a cop out? I don’t care if she has known me for 20 yrs or 20 min… Be supporrtive or step off bitches, I mean it. If you can’t be supportive then you just don’t get to be in my life… & my life is the bomb. So there!
trjensen
/ February 14, 2012I agree with the it’s my life thing. But it has been my experience with women that at some point, regardless of the quality of you relationship, that they will cross a line. I don’t feel like it is a cop out to say women a re mean to each other beause3 we are by nature competitive. We want the same things in a basic sense and once that feeling of competition anxiety kicks in, even women I love can be pretty cruel. If I care about them I am willing to overlook a discretion but it has happened, even with women I have known my entire life.
I have just learned to seperate my search for someone from my platonic relationships. People will feel how they are going to feel and because I talk about that dating aspect of my life a lot I seperate myself from the women who want to judge me for it.
The truth is, my life is pretty awesome and I am only accountable to me for the first time in a very long time. I wouldn’t change a thing for the world. I am doing what I think is best (most of the time.) I love my life and myself. Often, what is said about me is more amusing than anything because I know if they were in my position they’d be trying to do what I was and a lot of them couldn’t pull it off. ;P
Melody
/ July 6, 2012Hi thank you for your awesome post. I am very depressed now, because of my look and figure, I cannot even talk to male colleagues or else the female colleagues will blow up the matter as though it is some headline. They will tell on me and add words. Ever since the first day of work I am subjected to their after-meal topics.
It is only my second week, yet I already became central of attraction/attention. Sigh..
I am a teacher by the way, and those gossipers and jealous women are teachers as well..
it is unfair for women like us to be treated this way just because we are good looking..