I seem to do this thing with guys, where I don’t listen very well. I have always been pretty good at reading people and making decisions based on their actions rather than just what they are telling me. Actions speak louder than words, right? In dating, you really have to listen. Part of my problem is that I see what I want to see and take everything said to me with a grain of salt.
Here’s an example, I dated a guy who told me pretty early on that he didn’t want a relationship (which for the record was a lie; he just didn’t want one with me.) He proceeded to ask me to stay at his house on a regular basis. In three months, there were a collective ten days that we didn’t share a bed. I spent five or six days a week at his house at his request, or we stayed at a friend’s or he was at my house. Every once in a while he would mention the not wanting to be in a relationship but he wasn’t dating anyone else and he always wanted me around. He said we were “dating.” After a while everyone treated us as though we were a couple and as far as I was concerned we were.
So when he told me he had slept with someone else I was actually surprised, even though he told me several times he didn’t want a relationship. He didn’t act like he was interested in anyone else and he certainly didn’t afford himself many opprotunites to date anyone else. What he said and what he was doing weren’t matching up. I dealt with our situation based on actions rather than what he had said to me many times.
I know that so many of you are thinking this is a no brainer but there are so many ways men and women seem to miscommunicate. I do it too. If I say I want a committed relationship and the man I have feelings for is still dating other women, it is my fault if I stay in a situation that would hurt me. If I said want some commitment but stay with someone who doesn’t, the other party is going to move forward under the assumption that I am okay with him dating other people after all.
Before things get serious you have to talk about what you want. If you and a potential partner aren’t on the same page then you need to end it before you get hurt. If a guy is sure he doesn’t want a relationship with you three dates in, he isn’t going to change his mind. He knows he doesn’t want to be with you but he will likely keep fucking you for as long as you let him.
You have to make sure that what you say and what you do convey the same message. If a guy is saying one thing and doing another, ask him for clarification. If he isn’t being clear in his actions and his words, he isn’t serious about you or what could develop between you. Make sure that you and your potential partner have a clear understanding of what you both need and expect.
Red Flag: If you are serious about having a relationship and the guy you are dating is telling you one thing and doing another, putting in the extra effort isn’t going to change his behavior. He isn’t looking for something serious.