I seem to do this thing with guys, where I don’t listen very well. I have always been pretty good at reading people and making decisions based on their actions rather than just what they are telling me. Actions speak louder than words, right? In dating, you really have to listen. Part of my problem is that I see what I want to see and take everything said to me with a grain of salt.
Here’s an example, I dated a guy who told me pretty early on that he didn’t want a relationship (which for the record was a lie; he just didn’t want one with me.) He proceeded to ask me to stay at his house on a regular basis. In three months, there were a collective ten days that we didn’t share a bed. I spent five or six days a week at his house at his request, or we stayed at a friend’s or he was at my house. Every once in a while he would mention the not wanting to be in a relationship but he wasn’t dating anyone else and he always wanted me around. He said we were “dating.” After a while everyone treated us as though we were a couple and as far as I was concerned we were.
So when he told me he had slept with someone else I was actually surprised, even though he told me several times he didn’t want a relationship. He didn’t act like he was interested in anyone else and he certainly didn’t afford himself many opprotunites to date anyone else. What he said and what he was doing weren’t matching up. I dealt with our situation based on actions rather than what he had said to me many times.
I know that so many of you are thinking this is a no brainer but there are so many ways men and women seem to miscommunicate. I do it too. If I say I want a committed relationship and the man I have feelings for is still dating other women, it is my fault if I stay in a situation that would hurt me. If I said want some commitment but stay with someone who doesn’t, the other party is going to move forward under the assumption that I am okay with him dating other people after all.
Before things get serious you have to talk about what you want. If you and a potential partner aren’t on the same page then you need to end it before you get hurt. If a guy is sure he doesn’t want a relationship with you three dates in, he isn’t going to change his mind. He knows he doesn’t want to be with you but he will likely keep fucking you for as long as you let him.
You have to make sure that what you say and what you do convey the same message. If a guy is saying one thing and doing another, ask him for clarification. If he isn’t being clear in his actions and his words, he isn’t serious about you or what could develop between you. Make sure that you and your potential partner have a clear understanding of what you both need and expect.
Red Flag: If you are serious about having a relationship and the guy you are dating is telling you one thing and doing another, putting in the extra effort isn’t going to change his behavior. He isn’t looking for something serious.
lizajack25
/ September 28, 2012“Red Flag: If you are serious about having a relationship and the guy you are dating is telling you one thing and doing another, putting in the extra effort isn’t going to change his behavior. He isn’t looking for something serious.”
Will engrave this on my heart.
trjensen
/ September 28, 2012I have had to have this lesson beat (figuratively) into me over and over again.
lizajack25
/ September 30, 2012I am now seriously doubting the wisdom of my erstwhile self-help guru, Dr Bonnie Eaker-Weil, cos a lot of her advice goes counter to what I am learning now. She would talk about dear of abandonment in the man and urge one to persevere. Sometimes it really is not worth it and the man means it – he really does not want to get involved
.
trjensen
/ September 30, 2012And we’ve been told for years that it is because he has issues or has been hurt before. So have we but we are trying. We don’t decide in an instant that we would like a relationship. Men seem to know in an instant that they do not and I believe they aren’t making an informed decision so I have cut them some slack and stayed. Then that man does something that betrays your trust or hurts you two months later. When you react, he reminds you that he said he didn’t want a relationship. Maybe he is just conflicted and pushing but is it worth staying if the situation is hurting you? I say no. And I have stayed and tried with men because regardless of what they have said to me, we were connected but it never fully formed because those men always have one foot out the door.
trjensen
/ October 1, 2012If he seems uncertain about what he wants and you know what you want then you should take step back and protect yourself. Sometimes perseverance isn’t a good thing.
daterofboys
/ September 28, 2012Amen.
If you want different things, exit quickly.
My most recent one said that he loved me, once. Then, after a few weeks of not saying it, I asked why and he told me that “he felt it at the time.” Yikes.
trjensen
/ September 28, 2012I dated a guy who only told me he loved me when he was drunk and he said it a lot. I would tell him to stop because although I believe he did love me he never said it to me sober until very recently. He said it a lot then too but it didn’t last long I guess he “felt it at the time” too.
Tiffany N. York
/ September 28, 2012Yeah, I got the whole “I don’t want a relationship” thing with this guy. Everytime I tried to break it off with him, he always came back. I was crazy about him. Turns out he was with my son’s elementary school principal at the same time (even tho he denied it). A year later they were married. It still stings. Even worse is I have to see her every day. Ugh!
trjensen
/ September 28, 2012I tried to break it off a few times early on because I was starting feel more strongly about him. He kept asking me not to leave him. I stayed. I should have bolted when I realized that I was developing feelings for him.
Tiffany N. York
/ September 28, 2012I have never been able to walk away from a guy I was crazy about. I also had never been used for 2 years by a man like he used me. From what I know of guys, it seems like they’re male sluts until they settle down with one woman. He settled down all right, but not with me. I felt like such an idiot.
I’ll never understand how a man can continue to have sex with a woman over and over again, without feeling anything for her. I understand it for a little while, but the fact that he was with someone else that I’m sure he knew he was going to marry, and still with me? It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I could never do that to another person.
trjensen
/ September 28, 2012Men like sex. If they can still have sex with you after he said he doesn’t feel an emotional connection then of course he is going to keep doing it. Now he gets to have sex with you and not concern himself with your emotional state because he told you where he stood. For most single men that is an ideal situation.
Ten Carat
/ September 28, 2012I think women always have hope that things will work out and for that reason don’t walk away. Even though their gut tells them there is something that just isn’t right.. for you it was the misalignment of his actions and words. It must have nudged at you like a bra wire that pokes you. Enough to make you uncomfortable but not enough to throw the bra away. I have tried just trusting my gut and walking away a few times. Most exhilarating feeling. Would do it again..and again…and again.
trjensen
/ October 1, 2012Absolutely.
lecourtesan
/ September 28, 2012Love this post! It’s soooo true and I’ve been in this position a few times. I think many men like being in control of the situation–what better way to control the situation than with ambiguity? I’m convinced they know exactly what they’re doing. Men are strategic when it comes to relationships, and so much is about acquisition and manipulation. They like to put on the “huh?!-face” on when you ask for clarification. Anyway as you said: no clarification, no goodies!
trjensen
/ September 29, 2012They know what they are doing. In some instances I have underestimated a partner’s capacity for deceit. If I feel like I am smarter, colder less in like than he is I typically relax. It has bitten me in the ass everytime.
The Wandering Mind
/ September 30, 2012*Sigh*
People interpret what they hear/see in many ways, but usually we take what we want & leave out all the rest. Selective Hearing is a common occurence when we want something to be true. But from my experience, no matter how long you believe something to be true, it doesn’t mean that it is actually true.
I want you to love me, so everything you say seems like an admission of affection.
Red Flag: If love makes you feel empty, it isn’t really love. Just because you “make love”, doesn’t mean that both of you are in love.
trjensen
/ September 30, 2012Exactly! And sometimes you are really connected but it isn’t going to happen because your partner doesn’t want to let it. That still isn’t a relationship because one person is always fighting it. I have developed feeling for someone I didn’t expect to or didn’t want. Even though I cared nothing happened because I truly did not want to be with them. (Most of the time I really just didn’t want to sleep with them. Instant filler boyfriend… just add lack of physical desire.)
Le Clown
/ September 30, 2012The Narcissist,
It seems like the same song plays everywhere… Out of curiosity, and I’m just asking, do you think occasionally someone will tell you something different from what they mean, simply as they’re confused, and it might take a while to figure their stuff out?
Le Clown
trjensen
/ September 30, 2012I do and I have but it has been my experience that if they say it, it will always be their excuse for committing some violation of trust. I know some somen who have stayed in a situation far after they should have ended it because they thought something was going to change.
bossymoksie
/ October 1, 2012I take everything men say with a grain of salt. Except for that one sentence! If he says he doesn’t want a committed relationship, then I will act accordingly no matter how hard he chases.
trjensen
/ October 1, 2012And you have to. You have to say, do I want to try and force something or change his mind when he has already decided? But sometimes you aren’t sure what you want from someone, you get comfortable and you think that if my feelings have changed maybe his have too. Optimism can be a real bitch sometimes. But the one thing I always do and I stress it to others is, if you have feelings for someone tell them and if you aren’t on the same page, get the fuck out of it before you do irreparable damage to yourself.
bossymoksie
/ October 1, 2012Women change their minds (I think we talk ourselves into things) but men rarely do. And if they do, it’s not when you are in their face all the time, it’s when you are far, far away livin the good life without him.
trjensen
/ October 1, 2012You know, in that way, I think I have a more masculine line of thinking and/or stubborn. I can tell you within two minutes of meeting a guy if I would ever sleep with them and that never changes. Sometimes I think I would sleep with someone and then decide I wouldn’t but never the reverse.
And maybe guys can change their minds but I’ll be damned if I am going to waste a ton of energy on a dude who told me he didn’t want anything with me upfront. I don’t feel inclined to have to sell myself or have to prove myself over and over just to put off the inevitable rejection.
bossymoksie
/ October 1, 2012Definitely don’t waste your time.
femaled
/ October 4, 2012With every post I read, I feel like I’m reading my own journal… just lived this exact situation. So frustrating.