Probably the worst scenario a man and women can find themselves in is what I like to call a pseudo-relationship. A pseudo-relationship is when to people who are dating find themselves in what looks like a relationship, when neither of you ever discussed what you were actually doing. No form of commitment was ever discussed. You just filled the role of the partner because you assumed the person you were dating was on the same page or knew what you wanted.
These relationships typically have a giver (the person who assumes they are in a committed relationship) and a taker (the person who is benefitting from the giver’s unsubstantiated assumption.) I am going address this issue from the perspective of the female giver because I have a vagina and I have found myself in the role of giver and taker. Please feel free to switch the roles in the scenario as it relates to your situation.
You meet a guy; you date for a while; you genuinely enjoy each other’s company; you wind up spending more time together than you do apart. You stay at his house a lot. You fix his meals, clean his house and probably have met every member of his immediate family. You hang out with his friends, he opens up to you about his life and values your opinion. You know what is in his drawers and may keep a few things at his apartment. He probably keeps some things at your place too. He has his spot on your sofa and his side of your bed. You are both completely comfortable when you are together.
This is (in my opinion) the perfect relationship. You have a great boyfriend and you are an amazing girlfriend. The only problem is that this isn’t a relationship and you are not his girlfriend. His friends may introduce you as his girlfriend, he probably didn’t even correct them, but he never said you were his girlfriend. He‘s never even brought it up. And you haven’t brought it up either because you know, somewhere deep in your heart that you are never going to be in a relationship. You’ve been playing the role of perfect girlfriend for months and he has never once mentioned your “relationship.”
Why would he want to make you his girlfriend? You coddle him, counsel him and provide all of the other benefits of a relationship and he doesn’t have to do anything. And the best part is that he can still go out with his friends, bring a girl home and fuck her without feeling guilty. He doesn’t have a girlfriend, he just has a friend who treats him like a king and likes to hang out.
By the time you realize that he doesn’t want to and never is going to commit to you, you probably have very strong feelings for him. Ofr course you do, he is your pretend boyfriend. The good news is at some point you’ll get sick of explaining your complicated relationship to people and begin to question why you haven’t made it official. You’ll ask him and he’ll say…
- “We’re friends.”
- “You are amazing.”
- “I love spending time with you.”
- “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”
That moment when he is trying to let you down easy, is also probably the first time you’ll admit to yourself that you knew this was the inevitable end to your situation. You have two choices (but only one sane, self-respecting one.) You can stay and accept the situation as is (because he is never going to commit to you) or you can cut your losses and really embrace the significance of what that experience taught you, which is to never give anyone more than they ask for, especially if you aren’t getting what you need.
You tried to make a casual situation a relationship and you can’t have a relationship if you never made any attempt clarify what was happening once you knew you wanted a relationship. If you are seeing someone and you find yourself wanting something more, it’s time to let him know what you want. Going out of your way for someone who is unwilling to commit to is kind of like giving a kid a cookie for drawing on your wall.
In affairs of the heart, when you want to give someone everything, make sure that you aren’t going out of your way for someone who doesn’t want what you want. You can be optimistic, loving and generous to the people in your life but you should never do it at the expense of your own happiness or emotional well-being. If you don’t respect yourself enough to speak up about what you want it makes it very hard for anyone else to.
The Writers Village
/ October 11, 2012had you considered fielding these as a series to some magazines or newspapers (even locals)?
trjensen
/ October 11, 2012I really haven’t. I’ve had stuff run in the past. Sometimes it doesn’t occur to me until I’ve seen the response I get here. I normally submit stuff to online magazines or have something riun because I was approached.
Dean Joseph
/ October 11, 2012Shit is so real it’s scary…
trjensen
/ October 11, 2012LOL!
Viciously Sweet
/ October 11, 2012Great post Teri. I think this is a really good series. I’m totally learning about how complicated we make everything. It seems like it should be easier… doesn’t it?
trjensen
/ October 11, 2012Their is rational optimism and there is crazy irrational optimism, the kind that has you excusing glaring neon signals. We complicate it.
Viciously Sweet
/ October 12, 2012Yeah. Mostly in hindsight we can see the flashing “do not enter” sign. But it’s better to remember these things when trying to start over again. And I just got to page 2 so I am in need of your sage words
trjensen
/ October 13, 2012Thank you doll face.
SillyG
/ October 11, 2012Great one!
trjensen
/ October 11, 2012Thanks stranger.
SillyG
/ October 13, 2012Flip I’ve been busy…
trjensen
/ October 13, 2012I figured but I’ve missed you.
SillyG
/ October 13, 2012Missed ya too chick! Have enjoyed catching up on posts this last week, You’ve had some great ones of late
trjensen
/ October 13, 2012Thanks gorgeous. Just getting my house back in order.
kinghenry2007
/ October 12, 2012Trjensen, we should file this one under, “sh!t i should have known when i was 20″lol
Rosey
/ October 13, 2012I think the relationship is mainly depends upon the understanding and how you treat your life partner and the post you shared is really doing a nice work.
trjensen
/ October 13, 2012Thank you!
Tiffany N. York
/ October 13, 2012If it’s all so f**king complicated, how do so many people wind up married? If men are supposedly such commitmentphobes, why do they all finally take the plunge? Because they meet “the One” and are now willing to forsake all others? I’m not sure I buy it. Do men settle down with the one woman who treats them like shit?
trjensen
/ October 13, 2012I can’t even pretend to know. I don’t think they want the chick that treats them like shit. They want the chick that seems to not give a fuck. The last guy I dated… I dated for a year and I treated him like a king just because I loved him. I do love him and I know he doesn’t deserve it. He burned me so many times and it’s my fault because I stayed. I am not perfect. I’ve been in this position but when I moved, he came to visit and he really seemed so different and invested. We talked about living together (I’ve never lived with a man.) He left to go get everything in order and three weeks later he told me he wasn’t coming and that he had met someone.
He posted pictures of them. She was hanging all over his friends in them. Grabbing their umm… stuff… and that was his girlfriend. He was posting the pictures on facebook. I would never do that. If I am with someone I wouldn’t want to do that. But actually knowing he wanted skanky, unattractive women who would act like that and that was appealing to him, made me feel better. It helped me see what a low opinion he had of himself and what had a place in his life. I realized he likes classless girls with esteem issues and I am not that. And if that is what he needs then he was right about not wanting us to be together because I wouldn’t do it.
Tiffany N. York
/ October 13, 2012Ironic, because my last one burned me, too and he wound up married to the complete opposite of me. I find myself at 44, with no idea how to relate to men anymore. If I like someone, I show it. I hate playing games. I’m certainly not a doormat, but now it just seems like I have to act all independant and aloof with a guy if I like him.
trjensen
/ October 13, 2012I can’t play games either. If I like someone I tell them and that is a good thing because if they aren’t on the same page you can get out early. Being open isn’t a bad thing.
Porsche Simpson
/ October 14, 2012I know so many women that are in psuedo relationships. You must make yourself a bigger priority and never settle. Be confident with being single, and you shouldn’t have the need to commit without committing. Right?
trjensen
/ October 14, 2012Yes!
bossymoksie
/ October 16, 2012Love the way you ended this post and I loved the video too! Don’t act like the wife until you have a ring! Seriously.
It’s not that men don’t want to be treated well, they just appreciate it more when they have to earn it. That’s just been my experience anyway.
I did a post on this on the same day!
http://bossymoksie.wordpress.com/2012/10/12/lemme-get-mines-youll-get-yours/
trjensen
/ October 16, 2012My whole thing is never give them more than they deserve and only doit then if they ask you too. Don’t give anyone anything they won’t value.