I don’t talk a lot about my writing process or how I decide what to write about. I do two things. I create lists, generally comprised of single words or excerpts from something I want to address. I save the lists to my laptop. I also have a list on my phone. In addition to the list I have a folder filled with word documents with a title and often a sentence or single paragraph. Some of the documents have been on my computer for over a year but I find it helps me remember where my head was when I came up with the idea to write about a given topic. I have so much I want to write about but often when I am telling a story as opposed to tackling a topic on the list, I find the list and prompts just sit waiting until I find something relative to an experience. This blog is, after all, about me and if I can’t relate it back to my life I typically just tuck it away in a folder until I can tie myself to the subject. Have I mentioned I am self-involved?
“Bicurious” is one of the items that has been on my “Writing Ideas” list forever. I get asked a lot about my sexuality and I don’t mind. I am a pretty forthcoming gal and I enjoy talking about myself. I think asking someone to define their sexuality is an odd thing to do. I don’t like labeling other peoples choices that way. There are so many options when it comes to sexuality. It isn’t really a matter of gay, bi or hetero. Sexuality is more like a scale and with so many proclivities on that scale you couldn’t begin to calculate the distance between the one point and another.
One of the most common questions I get asked as sex and relationship writer is, “Do you have sex with women?” I have had sex with women but I don’t consider myself bisexual. By literal definition I suppose I am bisexual but I don’t feel that I am. I have a preference and that preference is a male sexual and romantic partner. I find myself attracted to women and I have had sex with women but I have never connected with a woman romantically as I do men. Homosexual encounters have always stemmed from something carnal. I may engage a woman but once that experience is over, it is over. I have no desire to have a relationship with another woman. I have had sex with women for physical pleasure but don’t connect with them on a deeper level.
If I were in a situation where I had to choose between having sex with a man or woman I would likely choose the man. I have had sex with both men and women together but I would still prefer sex with one or the other and not both together. I am selfish and greedy and I enjoy being the sole beneficiary of any physical pleasure to be had. I am not good at sharing.
I have friends who date men and women. Some know that ultimately the will develop a relationship with someone of the opposite sex and others that know they’ll choose a life partner of the same sex. Still they date who they date and labeling their sexuality doesn’t define who they are. Often they have difficulty defining themselves.
“You see if you ask me we’re heterosexual by default, not by decision. It’s just a question of who you fancy. It’s all about aesthetics and it’s fuck all to do with morality.” Renton, Trainspotting 1996.
Some people will argue that anatomy decides how we should behave sexually but as is evident throughout history that isn’t the case. We are drawn to and attracted to who we are and it has nothing to do with design. It has nothing to do with how society categorizes us or how we think we should behave. We are who we are and labeling each other or ourselves doesn’t define us. We need to stop fixating on how to categorize each other and focus on embracing ourselves and each other for who we are.