One Woman’s Theory

In a recent post I discussed dealing with your partners’ exes.  Although I don’t advocate engaging women who have issue with you just because you have a bed mate in common it did cause me to ponder why some women have such a hard time with their exes moving on.

I can’t say that I have dealt with every breakup I have ever had very well.  I have to, varying degrees, suffered through some pretty painful splits.  The most painful are always the ones you didn’t see coming.  Like most people, when the decision to end a relationship rests in the hands of someone else I typically have a harder time dealing with it.  Those breakups are always the most painful.  The few months that follow tend to be pretty difficult.

I have never, as an adult, never attacked the women who filled the vacancy my absence left in an exes’ life.  I have been hurt and sometimes lashed out against my former partner.  Typically this has more to do with my ego and personal disappointment than any real pain my former partner’s new relationship has caused me.  If I haven’t resolved my feelings I can be an asshole.  I try not to be but sometimes my emotions get the better of me.

What I have never done,(okay maybe I did once but that is for another post) is intentionally engage or antagonize anyone currently involved in any ex-lovers’ life.  Even if it did hurt me or I was curious I refuse to let anyone who isn’t relevant to my present or future, make me sweat (or show my ass).   Dwelling on any pain or anxiety you may feel is just counter-productive to actually moving forward.  I have never seen the benefit of prolonging my misery.

That being said, I can understand how someone who has unresolved questions or feelings about relationship that didn’t end as a result of mutual agreement could want to lash out.  Those feelings of anger or hurt may seem to be more effective when directed at an ex’s new partner.  They may be more vulnerable to manipulation. Your partner clearly doesn’t care.  They ended the relationship, they have a wall up.  They may be perceived as immune to your pain or attempts to cause them misery.  They don’t care but that doesn’t mean you can’t hurt them or make things more difficult by attacking and potentially driving away someone else in their life.

Although these irrational attacks on “the other woman” may seem to be born of pure jealousy maybe sometimes they are just a more desperate attempt to hurt their ex-lover by making their new relationship more difficult.  They are attempting to manipulate someone who may not be impervious to their attacks.  It is still stupid.  It is still ineffective to attack someone who has nothing to do with why you are unhappy and suffering. That seems like it may be the real reason many exes misdirect their unhappiness.

It is better to just work through the pain you are feeling so you can move forward.  It is difficult to understand why so many people in failed relationships fight so hard to hold on to their misery.  If someone doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you they are doing you a favor.  They knew something wasn’t right and they freed you to find something that was right.  If you take the time to see that, you can move forward with an understanding that you have an opportunity to find something better.  Be thankful they realized something you hadn’t or weren’t willing to acknowledge.

It is normal to feel the pain associated with having a void in your life.  Rather than focusing on that emptiness be grateful you were given an opportunity to find someone more suited to fill it.

Posted by trjensen on March 10, 2013

http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2013/03/10/one-womans-theory/