Look at You Living

well-look-at-you-living-an-f3359a80-sz320x320I have spent the better part of my forty years on this planet single.  I didn’t date until I was a senior in high school. I got pregnant and decided after a few years that dating and single parenting didn’t really work for me.   I had a child and no financial help.  Meeting the emotional and financial needs of my child left me pretty drained in every way imaginable.  I worked and spent time with my child and did little else.  For thirteen years I didn’t date and I didn’t have sex.

So for more than thirty years of my life I have been single. I’ve only dated three men for longer than a year. Two of them, in their respective spots on my timeline, I would have gladly let stay for much longer than they had.  I would have been more than content to let either of them stay indefinitely. Sadly I didn’t have much say in the matter. I really cared about one and truly loved the other in spite of the tiny indications that something wasn’t fitting together the way it should.

Those relationships, the ones we really want to work out, the ones we can feel slipping away before they actually fall apart have a way of making us want to fight for something that isn’t what it should be.  We choose to go on feeling the way we do about someone who is fading away.  We choose to battle against the inevitable.

When you fight so hard for something we often have harder time when it those relationships end. Expending so much energy leaves you weak and often ill prepared for the additional emotional anguish you experience from a partners absence.  Instead of accepting what has happened you tend to try to hold on a little longer.  You try to maintain a friendship or some sort of physical relationship in the hopes that you can retain some sense of a relationship with someone who doesn’t feel the two of you are meant to be together.

By clinging to an unhappy situation you are closing yourself off to the potential of something new and good but that is often what we do.  We hold on to our misery. It is the new emotion we associate with someone who, at some point, made us happy.  It destroys everything about that person that brought us joy.  We condition ourselves to fight for what we want and can’t seem to stop fighting for it even when it is no longer good for us.

When a relationship ends it is important to let that happen in its own time and not struggle with the pieces as they crumble.  We need to learn to stop fighting for things that won’t fulfill us.  When we do this we are really just holding on to our pain. We need to let go and move forward.  We need to allow ourselves distance from the pain.

Breakups can be devastating.  You just want to hide and wallow and overanalyze everything.  We want someone to blame and typically blame ourselves but the truth is it just didn’t work out the way we wanted it to and we probably saw it coming.  It’s okay to fight for a relationship you are in but once it’s ended you have to stop fighting.  You have to love yourself enough to know that once it’s over you just have an opportunity to find something better.

Previous Post
Leave a comment

10 Comments

  1. You’ve no idea how important it was for me to read your words today. I wish I could elaborate. I can’t here, but know that these words though painful to read, are just what I needed. Thank you very much. And good job on focusing on your child while they were young. I hope your life is happy now.

    Reply
  2. “We need to learn to stop fighting for things that won’t fulfill us. When we do this we are really just holding on to our pain. We need to let go and move forward. We need to allow ourselves distance from the pain.”

    I’m not great at this. The truth is that I am good at seeing the good in people but that it’s made bad by my desire to work things out and fix things and I hang on longer than I should. It’s a painful habit and I wreak a lot of damage. It’d be nice to give in just a little sooner, but then I am left wondering all the time if I should have tried harder. I think I need a good little bit of the pain to help my conscience. Now.. to make my conscience require less pain…

    Reply
    • And that’s just it. “It’s better to feel pain than nothing at all.” As long as you still associate some strong emotion with that relationship it is so hard to let go. I am still learning not to drag things out. Processing the pain of absence is hard enough to work through without drawing out the seperation.

      Reply
  3. This is a very positive & well thought out message, my friend.

    Reply
  4. Hi, this is a nice piece of advice. I took me back to a lot of memories.

    Reply
  5. My frien and I were talking about this the other day. Life goes on. There are times in the past I really liked a person and ended up getting hurt and upset, now when I think about them, I feel nothing.

    Reply
  6. WordsFallFromMyEyes

     /  June 1, 2013

    I love this. Speaks to me much.

    I have been single long time, and have realised in this time that while I sometimes see couples in the vid store or wherever I am living my single ways, though sometimes I see them about, I realise that I am indeed the only person I have been able to rely on, to truly trust. I’m pretty alright, really…

    As for raising your child leaving you financially, emotionally physically drained like no other – yup, I get that.

    Reply
  7. Amazing look at reality of what things are instead of what I constantly hope for them to be and aren’t. I get badly hurt this way, and I need to let go and let God show me where He wants me next. Whether it be with that person or more importantly, realizing that I actually really just wanna be with myself…. thank you for this reminder…

    Reply
  8. Wow, I read this and it really hit me hard. I wish I could properly process this and make it a plan of action in my life. Easier said than done.

    “It is the new emotion we associate with someone who, at some point, made us happy. It destroys everything about that person that brought us joy. We condition ourselves to fight for what we want and can’t seem to stop fighting for it even when it is no longer good for us.”

    This really brought tears to my eyes.

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 1,197 other followers

%d bloggers like this: