All posts tagged boyfriend

Relationships That Aren’t: You Are Not the Exception; You Are the Rule

We have all had someone tell us a story about some terrible, painful relationship.  We can’t understand why someone would stay in something that hurts them so much for so long.  We listen to people who tell us stories about how they fought too long to hold on to something that really wasn’t worth holding on to.  We listen to these stories. We offer them advice and/or encouragement.  Ultimately the relationship ends after weeks/months/years of misery.

When we know someone who is in a situation where the bad clearly outweighs the good, when they seem to be clinging desperately to

something or someone who isn’t worth the effort, we tend to be critical of their situation.  We hear endless complaints and tales of woe.  We become annoyed by their unwillingness to see the situation for what it is.  We judge them for not leaving.  Our sympathy turns to apathy because of their perceived lack of self-respect.

We have all known someone who has been in this sort of situation yet most of us will find ourselves in a very similar scenario at some point in our lives.   We will find ourselves in some relationship that is not giving us what we need and we will likely stay until it hurts us, even after it is hurting us.  Even though we have witnessed or heard stories and predicted the outcome of these toxic relationships in other people, we will hold on.

Why, after everything we have learned, would we stay in a relationship that makes us unhappy?  The answer is simple.  We stay for the same reason everyone who has ever told us one of these stories has stayed; our relationship is different.  What we are experiencing is clearly beyond the grasp of anyone else.  In short, our situation is the exception.

The situation seems different to the people experiencing it.  It is more complicated than all those other sad sack’s miserable situations so surely you will have a happy ending.  All of the trials and struggles you stuck it out through will yield positive results.  After all of the hurt and pain you will finally be happy.

Guess what? You and your fuck buddy/friend / pseudo boy(or girl)friend situation is no different than all those miserable experiences you heard about.  You are desperately holding on to a fantasy.  I assure you, you are not the exception; you’re the rule.  It always feels different when you are in it.

You justify the actions of those who hurt you and lose a bit of yourself with every new attempt to keep your awful pseudo-relationship together.  The rule is simple…  if they aren’t willing to commit even after you’ve said you are, then you are not going to wind up with this person . He/she doesn’t want a relationship with you and the odds are he/she has even told you that directly.

Your situation isn’t that complicated or that different.  You fell in love with someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you and you stuck around hoping you’d convince them otherwise.  The longer you stay the more used you’ll feel, the more of yourself you relinquish, the more hurt you’ll feel when it is all over.  You don’t want to be with someone who makes you feel like you are not enough because if you stay there too long you are going to start believing it.

Say I’m wrong; your relationship is the exception.  Do you really want to be in a relationship where you have completely lost you identity just to be with someone who never saw your value?  It is actually better to be the rule.   It is one of many instructions we will receive in our lives.  This one is teaches us that accepting less than we deserve (mutual love and respect) is not how your love story will end.

25 Comments
by trjensen on October 11, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Life, Relationship, Sex
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Posted by trjensen on October 11, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2012/10/11/relationships-that-arent-you-are-not-the-exception-you-are-the-rule/

Relationships That Aren’t: Let’s Pretend We’re in a Relationship

Probably the worst scenario a man and women can find themselves in is what I like to call a pseudo-relationship.  A pseudo-relationship is when to people who are dating find themselves in what looks like a relationship, when neither of you ever discussed what you were actually doing.  No form of commitment was ever discussed. You just filled the role of the partner because you assumed the person you were dating was on the same page or knew what you wanted.

These relationships typically have a giver (the person who assumes they are in a committed relationship) and a taker (the person who is benefitting from the giver’s unsubstantiated assumption.)  I am going address this issue from the perspective of the female giver because I have a vagina and I have found myself in the role of giver and taker.  Please feel free to switch the roles in the scenario as it relates to your situation.

You meet a guy; you date for a while; you genuinely enjoy each other’s company; you wind up spending more time together than you do apart. You stay at his house a lot.  You fix his meals, clean his house and probably have met every member of his immediate family.  You hang out with his friends, he opens up to you about his life and values your opinion.  You know what is in his drawers and may keep a few things at his apartment.  He probably keeps some things at your place too.  He has his spot on your sofa and his side of your bed.  You are both completely comfortable when you are together.

This is (in my opinion) the perfect relationship.  You have a great boyfriend and you are an amazing girlfriend.  The only problem is that this isn’t a relationship and you are not his girlfriend.  His friends may introduce you as his girlfriend, he probably didn’t even correct them, but he never said you were his girlfriend.  He‘s never even brought it up.  And you haven’t brought it up either because you know, somewhere deep in your heart that you are never going to be in a relationship.  You’ve been playing the role of perfect girlfriend for months and he has never once mentioned your “relationship.”

Why would he want to make you his girlfriend?  You coddle him, counsel him and provide all of the other benefits of a relationship and he doesn’t have to do anything.  And the best part is that he can still go out with his friends, bring a girl home and fuck her without feeling guilty.  He doesn’t have a girlfriend, he just has a friend who treats him like a king and likes to hang out.

By the time you realize that he doesn’t want to and never is going to commit to you, you probably have very strong feelings for him.  Ofr course you do, he is your pretend boyfriend.  The good news is at some point you’ll get sick of explaining your complicated relationship to people and begin to question why you haven’t made it official.  You’ll ask him and he’ll say…

- “We’re friends.”

- “You are amazing.”

- “I love spending time with you.”

- “I love you but I’m not in love with you.”

That moment when he is trying to let you down easy, is also probably the first time you’ll admit to yourself that you knew this was the inevitable end to your situation.  You have two choices (but only one sane, self-respecting one.)  You can stay and accept the situation as is (because he is never going to commit to you) or you can cut your losses and really embrace the significance of what that experience taught you, which is to never give anyone more than they ask for, especially if you aren’t getting what you need.

You tried to make a casual situation a relationship and you can’t have a relationship if you never made any attempt clarify what was happening once you knew you wanted a relationship.  If you are seeing someone and you find yourself wanting something more, it’s time to let him know what you want.  Going out of your way for someone who is unwilling to commit to is kind of like giving a kid a cookie for drawing on your wall.

In affairs of the heart, when you want to give someone everything, make sure that you aren’t going out of your way for someone who doesn’t want what you want.  You can be optimistic, loving and generous to the people in your life but you should never do it at the expense of your own happiness or emotional well-being.  If you don’t respect yourself enough to speak up about what you want it makes it very hard for anyone else to.

25 Comments
by trjensen on October 11, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Relationship, Sex
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Posted by trjensen on October 11, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2012/10/11/relationships-that-arent-lets-pretend-were-in-a-relationship/

What’s Best for Baby

I have spent a lot of time talking about dating and single motherhood.  I couldn’t seem to make dating and raising my son work out so shortly before my son turned five I stopped dating.  I had had a hard time with men for various reasons and it became apparent that the emotional toll these failed relationships took on me affected my ability to interact with and provide for my son.  My attention was divided.  I was dealing with emotional pain in my romantic life while trying to love and emotionally support my child.  That is very difficult to do.  I needed to focus on him and I couldn’t do that with all of the pitfalls of dating.  His needs were more important.  His emotional health meant too much to me to allow choices in my personal life to hurt him.  What I don’t talk a lot about are those women who are in a relationship at the time of conception.

Not all single mothers start out that way.  Some women who get pregnant have a boyfriend.  Things may have been going well in your relationship or there may have been trouble way before you got pregnant.   You can be certain of one thing, regardless of your relationship status; regardless of the health of your relationship… shit is going to change.  A baby changes everything.  You could have a good relationship that may add a lot of pressure that either or both parents aren’t ready for.  It can change how you view or feel about each other.  It can strengthen or diminish your relationship.

If you, your partner or both of you are unhappy and you are having a baby together, how you two feel about each other doesn’t really matter.  What does matter is that that negative energy is going to affect your child.  Once that baby takes its first breath he/she is the most important thing in your lives.  If you don’t like each other, are hurting each other (emotionally or physically) or just aren’t sure how you feel, now is the time to figure that out.

I say this a lot because I know how a parent’s emotional state can affect their ability to raise and provide for a child. I have experienced the effects of emotional strain between parents and struggled to manage my own troubled relationships and single motherhood. Because I knew the effects of strained romantic relationships, I opted to raise my son alone.  If you are having trouble in your relationship, that affects your child.  If you are distraught or hurt, that affects your child.  Stress is part of life.  When things get difficult and impact you negatively or disrupt your emotional well-being, it becomes incredibly hard for you to focus and take care of your child.

Staying in a relationship that is hurting one or both parents isn’t good for a child because it inhibits how you feel and how you interact with them.   If you aren’t sure how you feel about each other or are confused about where you stand with your partner that diminishes a child’s sense of stability.  Anything that distracts from the most important part of your life, your child, is something that needs to be rectified as soon as possible.

Two people who are in a troubled relationship staying together for the sake of their child is often the wrong choice.  A child’s emotional well-being is influenced by the emotional health of those around them.  If you are preoccupied, hurt or fighting, you aren’t giving your child the attention and support they need.  Even if you don’t agree or get along with each other you certainly do not want to hurt your child.   If your relationship isn’t healthy then your collective approach to childrearing will be affected.

When you have a child and your partner wants to take an active role in that child’s upbringing that is a good thing.  That doesn’t mean you have to raise that child together.  A child would certainly benefit more from having two parents, who aren’t together but are both focused and dedicated to doing what is best for their child than two parents who stay together and are preoccupied by the issues between them.

12 Comments
by trjensen on September 25, 2012  •  Permalink
Posted in Dating, Relationship, Sex
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Posted by trjensen on September 25, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2012/09/25/whats-best-for-baby/

The Countdown to Crazy Cat Lady-dom

Here’s a funny story.  Instead of getting rid of the kitty I have (and yes I have seriously considered giving her away) in an attempt to cat the odds of me becoming a cat lady, I have actually acquired another cat.  Where oh where did I get my new kitty you may be asking yourself.  The story is pretty fucking funny.

A few weeks ago the guy I used to date, who I love but doesn’t want a relationship with me, moved into a new apartment with a new roommate who is allergic to cats.  He has had his kitty, Whiskers, for a very long time.  His cat has a great disposition and we got to know each other over the three months the “Guy with the Smile” and I dated.  When he learned his new roomie couldn’t live with his kitty GwtS asked me if I would take him.  Me being the sucker that I am, and not wanting him to just give his kitty away to some stranger, agreed to adopt his beloved thirteen year old cat.

I actually like Whiskers and my cat doesn’t really have an issue with him being here but after a lot of thought I realized that my ex may be contributing to my inevitable future as some sort of cat hoarder.  In fact, it is as though he is encouraging me to embrace that outcome.  I am one step closer to my cat lady fate.  I didn’t realize it at the time.  When he asked I just figured that if I had his kitty he could still see his cat from time to time and that his cat would have a loving home.

Now I have kinda’ convinced myself that GwtS is just trying to get me to accept my fate.  I love the cat.  I am keeping the cat but I resent GwtS for giving me the cat. (Totally rational, I know!)  I have been duped, bamboozled, hoodwinked.  I may not get you but I’ll always have your cat.  ROFL!

Maybe I should just have every man I date buy me a cat.  It can be my consolation prize for failed relationships.  At least the cats will have sentimental value.

I was going to live a life where my major relationship was with a bottle of wine and I’d finally die fat and alone and be found three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs cats.  - Bridget Jones The Narcissist

 

 

 

5 Comments
by trjensen on April 4, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by trjensen on April 4, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2012/04/04/the-countdown-to-crazy-cat-lady-dom/

He’ll Do

I was talking to friend today.  He was asking me about the creeper guy.  I gave him an update which is there isn’t one.  I blocked him and haven’t heard from him since.  Somehow that conversation turned into a conversation about my dating and his perception of how I conduct myself.  I love having this conversation with male friends because there is seldom any real emotion in the conversation.  I take everything at face value and I seldom get “booty tickled” as my son so eloquently puts it.

He asked how things were going for me.  He asked if I was still dating what’s his name.  I said I wasn’t.  He asked me if I had turned the pressure up on him and I said actually it had turned into something more casual but now it just wasn’t anything.  We had become kind of stuck in positions neither of us wanted to be in.  I found a reason to be mad and now I am done.

Then he said this, “I’m not sure half your boyfriends should even be allowed to vote. I don’t mean age wise.”  He was referring to one specific individual and has since assumed that any guy I like is pretty and dumb, like I am the Hugh Hefner of women.  I reminded him that that was one guy.

The rest of the conversation went like this

Me: The way I see it is that I am having fun and I am still learning. A thirteen year hiatus kind of stunts your emotional development. And I typically find myself attracted to guys who are blue collar, look amazing and are typically pretty conservative. They are my polar opposites and that isn’t working.  I know that.

Him: It’s hard I know

Me:  And I won’t settle.

Him: Then you might end up lonely

I am attracted to who I am and slowly that is changing but I also don’t think I am off track.  The idea that the only way to be in a relationship is to settle for someone you don’t really want is sad. (“That’ll do pig, that’ll do.”) If that were the case then I rather be alone or do what I have been doing until I am so unattractive I can’t get away with it anymore.

I am not going to settle.  The idea seems ridiculous to me.  It’s your fucking life!  Why would you settle for less than what you want?  That isn’t even an option.  That is just undervaluing yourself.  It seems ridiculous to me.

29 Comments
by trjensen on March 2, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by trjensen on March 2, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2012/03/02/hell-do/

Back to the Drawing Board (Kinda’)

So I finally sucked it up.  I did what I should have done two weeks ago.  I am not sure I would have been any happier with the outcome then but I did what I needed to do nonetheless.  I just needed to know and now I do.  The funny thing is I am not really pissed off about what happened, just feeling a little put out.

I finally decided to talk to the Pretty Boy about the status of things.  I needed to know where we were and how he was feeling about things.  I have been making myself crazy and after the weirdness last Tuesday I just wanted an update so I texted him this afternoon and told him I have been making myself crazy.  I told him that I was at the point when dating someone where I start to second guess myself a lot and I needed to ask him a question.  He sent me a text back and asked if I could call him because he was driving.  I told him I had people over but that I would call him in a little while.  After about fifteen minutes of trying to mentally prepare myself I went in my room and called.  We chit chatted for a while about what had been going on with him and about my knee (which feels ten times better today) and then…

Me: So I need to ask you a question.  I hate second guessing myself and I am feeling a little bit confused about where we stand.

PB: Okay… (with a slight hint of hesitation) Shoot.

Me: Um… [PB,] do you want to keep seeing me?

PB: (nervous laugh) Uh… Do you mean the way we have been, what we’ve been doing or something more?

Me: I mean do you still want to keep seeing me?  Do you still want us to date?

PB: Sure, I mean I like what is happening now but if you are asking about something more then probably not.

Me: Oh! Okay.  Well I wanted to know and I guess we should have finished our conversation the last time I brought it up but then I chickened out.

PB: My dating life is kind of crazy.  I go through phases where I want to have a relationship and get married and then I go through periods where I just want to be a hermit and hide out in my room and not see anyone. Right now I am trying to find some middle ground.

Me: I get that.  I think in that respect we are sort of in the same place.  I just needed to know so I wasn’t making myself crazy.

PB: Okay. (nervous laugh again)

Me: …

PB: …

Me: Well I’ll let you finish making your dinner.  I’ll talk to you later.

PB: Oh! Okay.  Have a nice night.

Then I hung up.  I don’t know how I feel about this but I do know how I feel about being someone’s trial and error, pseudo girlfriend.  I don’t think the Pretty Boy is an asshole.  He wants to have fun and he wants me to, too but I don’t just want to have fun.  We both agreed we wouldn’t be having sex with anyone else but I don’t want a fuck buddy dammit.  I want a boyfriend and he doesn’t want a girlfriend.

I am not sad.  I wanted to know but we definitely do not want the same thing right now.  The problem is now that I know… I should back off.  I do like hanging out with him but I know it would ultimately result in more sex.  Right now I don’t know how I feel about him.  I know I can’t invest in him anymore emotionally.  I do think I could continue to have sex with him but at some point my emotions are going to get the better of me and I’ll be in the same place I was with the last guy I dated.

Shit, shit, shit!  I am so frustrated.  I feel like a weight has been lifted off of me but I am still frustrated.  I am not pissed at PB because he was honest.  I am guessing he thinks I am upset with him and I am not.  I am not going to call him.  If he calls me then I’ll have to think about what I want to do but I think if I leave the ball in his court then this may all just go away.  That is probably easiest.  I’d still like to see him but I am going to leave that up to him.

32 Comments
by trjensen on February 12, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by trjensen on February 12, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2012/02/12/back-to-the-drawing-board-kinda/

Good Luck Teri!

Has anyone seen Good Luck Chuck? (It isn’t good but my son has watched it so many times that even though I have never seen it all the way through I do know the overall storyline.)  It is a movie about a man who dates women only to have them break up with him and marry the next man they meet.  Upon realizing this, women seduce him in the hopes of meeting their soul mate.  The last two guys I dated seriously (and by seriously I mean I was serious about our situation) both insisted they were not looking for a relationship only to commit to other women almost immediately after they stopped dating me.

This is a little unnerving to me and brings me to my real point which is, even when men say they aren’t really looking for a relationship, if the right woman/girl came along they would totally settle down and be in a fully committed relationship.  This has led me to go forward, dating under the assumption that a guy who doesn’t want a relationship could feasibly change his mind and that I could convince them that they do in fact want a commitment.   The thing is… it seems that I am good at priming men to be amazing for another woman but I am not the one they want to be amazing for.

When I start to have feelings for someone, when he becomes what I spend most of my time thinking about I start to behave as though I am in a real relationship because on my end I am in one.  I have no desire to sleep with someone else.  I want to take care of him and spend time with him.  I cook, we spend quiet nights watching movies, cuddling and I am typically spending more nights at his place than I am my own.  He is happy because I am readily available even though he is not fully committed and that suits most guys just fine.  But then one day he realizes our situation is in fact very much like a relationship and he starts to pull away.

More often than not they realize they do want a relationship after all.  Having a woman around more often is nice and comforting, unfortunately for me they also realize they don’t want all of that with me.  I don’t know if they feel like I tricked them, or they had always had someone else in mind but I can tell you how amazingly painful it feels to have that happen two times back to back.  I don’t want to be the girl who teaches a man how to be in a relationship with someone else.  I don’t want to be the one who is left to deal with the pain of desertion while they go and find everything I wanted to give them in someone else.

I don’t want that to be my job but it seems that that is my current role in my own relationships.  I am the girl who helped you get a better boyfriend.  I want to be the girl who gets to enjoy the appreciation and love of the man I have given the same.  I want to reap what I sow.

30 Comments
by trjensen on January 7, 2012  •  Permalink
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Posted by trjensen on January 7, 2012

http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2012/01/07/good-luck-teri/

An Unsent Letter

You know who you are,

I am writing this letter because I can’t say it to you.  I can’t say it to you because I am not strong enough to say it to you and not be emotional about it.  I spent a lot of time looking for someone who I actually wanted to spend time with.  I searched for someone who I was happy and relaxed with.  Someone I wanted to take care of.  Someone I thought deserved my caring for them because they cared for me too.  I helped you, not because I felt obligated but I wanted you to know that I cared about you and that your needs were important to me.  Even when people , your friends and mine, who told me it seemed you were using me, that I was merely a possession to you I disregarded their observations.  Surely I knew better we spent more time together than apart. I thought you appreciated my role in your life and that you made me happy.

When you told me that you wanted to reconcile with a former partner I understood.  I was hurt but I wanted you to be happy.  You assured me you wanted to remain friends.  I genuinely felt like that was a possibility.  But soon I realized that was not going to happen.  I inquired about the significant amount of money you owed me when I began to have financial struggles.  It was closing in on Christmas and I needed money to buy gifts for my family.

I was more than a little surprised when you told me you would not give me the money you owed me this month because you needed to focus on your on family for the holidays, even when I told you I had an eviction notice because I didn’t have the money for my rent you offered your condolences but made no attempt to come up with the money to help me remedy this significant stress factor.  How could anyone do that to someone they said they cared for?  How could they do something like that to someone who had helped them so many times because she didn’t want to see the person she cared about suffer?

Now I just feel hurt and disappointed.  I can’t remember the last time I had such a difficult holiday season.  How could someone you took care of, care so little for you?  I can’t remember the last time I felt so disrespected.  I have lost faith in the chance you will repay your debt.  I hope I am wrong and that you will actually surprise me. I just need you to at least pretend to be the man I thought you were and do what is right.  I guess that is all I have to say.

I am truly hurt and I feel so taken advantage of.  I just needed to say that out loud.

T

16 Comments
by trjensen on December 13, 2011  •  Permalink
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Posted by trjensen on December 13, 2011

http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2011/12/13/an-unsent-letter/

The Douchebag Rules (But Hey, They Work!)

I read a blog post yesterday that I found a little upsetting.   I strongly suggest you read it before you continue reading this particular post.  You can read it here.  Don’t worry, I’ll wait… 

Okay so let me say that I find these commandments a little unsettling for a couple of reasons. The first being I know for a fact that they hold a lot of validity.  Doing things like this with women actually works, not just on me but with the bulk of the women I know.  I even know women who use similar tactics with men.  Women who employ the principles of the Single Mom Hustle, refusing to relinquish their power to men are guilty of this too.  In most instances those relationships are just a means to an end, that end is not trying to acquire a new baby-daddy but rather some financial stability; it has little to do with an emotional connection. Do I think that it is right to utilize these sorts of tactics? Absolutely not! 

This brings me to my second issue, just because these strategies yield results does not mean you should use them.  The commandments are not an instruction guide for a stable relationship.  They are all about playing a game.  A relationship isn’t a game.  There shouldn’t be a first place.

Third, Saying that you should flirt with other women to make your partner jealous, does not excite her, it is a means of degrading her, showing her an overwhelming lack of respect.  Trying to ingrain into a woman that you have options illustrates that you are not fully invested in your relationship or her.  Yes, women get jealous but this is manipulation, nothing more, nothing less.  If you view women as something you must control then she is a puppet not your girlfriend and this is a relationship that will not satisfy you or her for long.

And the last thing that bothers me about The Commandments and the one I actually believe to be false is VII: Keep Two in the Kitty.  If a man I was in a relationship with ever made it clear to me that he had another woman on the back burner just waiting for him, we would absolutely be finished.  Shit or get off the pot.  If you are truly that afraid that your relationship will end (and it likely will because it is based largely on you trying to control your girlfriend rather than be a partner) that you need to keep a woman in waiting then you are clearly not ready to be involved in an adult emotional relationship.  If you have another woman lined up you should just plan on implementing your chauvinistic tactics on her because I most certainly wouldn’t be fucking you anymore.  And I don’t know many women who would.

Say what you want about the effectiveness of these rules and how I am just one woman and they only work to varying degrees on any one woman but I admit that most of these misogynistic tricks do work.  I admit I am drawn to men who are dominant.  I find it exciting but those things don’t make me fall in love.  I choose when and how I relinquish anything to a man and I don’t do it because I was manipulated into doing so.  I know how the game works.  I give everything up because I see something better in a man, something better than all the stupid little games.  And I find that with time most men realize they don’t have to try to manipulate a relationship.  It becomes a partnership of mutual respect but if that behavior remains then I can and have walked away.

5 Comments
by trjensen on July 7, 2011  •  Permalink
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Posted by trjensen on July 7, 2011

http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2011/07/07/the-douchebag-rules-but-hey-they-work/

In Defense of Filler Boyfriends

I came across an article recently that discussed the idea of women’s roles in the lives of their male friends.  She had determined that is many instances the platonic relationships she had with men found her playing a filler girlfriend role.  She was the go to girl for many of her friends when they had to have a date for an event or just wanted to get out when they were not in a relationship.  She participates in girlfriend/boyfriend activities with her platonic male friends.  They are in no way involved physically nor does she have the desire to be.  But once one of her male friends is in a relationship she loses touch with them and seldom hears from them until their relationship is over.   Then she once again fills the role of filler girlfriend.  She questioned whether or not these relationships were truly friendships or if she was being taken advantage of.  You can find the article, The 5 Signs You’re a Filler Girlfriend, here.

I have had more filler boyfriends than I have had real ones.   I went nearly thirteen years without dating because I was raising a child on my own and he needed me more than I needed the complications a man would have added to both our lives.  I did however find plenty of occasions where I required a date for a work event or social engagement.  Sometimes I just wanted to go have dinner with another adult and always preferred it to be a male friend.  Going out with my male friends made me feel like less of a spinster. 

I always have more male friends than female friends and I enjoyed spending time with them for a variety of reasons.  Having a filler boyfriend allows you to go to events like work functions without the awkwardness of trying to be on a date, when you are still expected to behave as you would at work.  I find that my male friends, on the whole are more open and honest in discussions.  And there is that anxiety caused by what will be expected of you at the close of a date.  Nothing is ever going to happen with a filler boyfriend so you can relax and enjoy their company, the way you would with any female friend.

 My male friends arguably know more about me than most of the people I date.  And most of my male friends have been my filler boyfriends at some point.  Sometimes we lose touch but I always try to stay in contact with them because they are my friends.  I don’t feel like I was being used or using anyone because I enjoy spending time with the people I care about and that is what friends are for.  They are there to support you when you need it.  I appreciate the roles my male friends have played in my life.  I learned a lot about dating without dating.  I learned a lot about men because there was no pressure and they could be honest. 

I’ve had lots of filler boyfriends because I have amazing male friends.  And if I were dating I would still want to spend time with my friends.  I love my friends and I like finding any excuse to hang out with them.  If that means going to a wedding then I don’t think that matters much. 

 

2 Comments
by trjensen on June 29, 2011  •  Permalink
Posted in Life, Me, Relationship
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Posted by trjensen on June 29, 2011

http://narcissistsblog.wordpress.com/2011/06/29/in-defense-of-filler-boyfriends/

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