I get to a point when I am dating a guy where I just want to know what is what.  When I get to that point I start to shut down emotionally because I am afraid that I will get to clingy/needy/overbearing… (Whatever it is girls do that makes men think they are crazy.)  To prevent myself from doing this I start to shut down.  I put up a wall and feel like I really start to lose all sense of myself in the presence of whoever it is I am trying not to run off.  The funny thing about my little defense mechanism is it generally confuses the shit out of men and they want to end it anyway.  They assume I have lost interest or that I am still in fact a crazy woman and stop calling.

I don’t know how much texting is too much texting.  I don’t know if I should IM them when I see they are online because I don’t want to bug anyone and I really feel like I don’t know what the line between appropriate and annoying is so I just ignore them unless they contact me.

I really, really suck at the stuff that is on the cusp of moving toward something potentially serious, this when I get tossed into the FWB category.  I don’t seem to be interested but I am still willing to have sex with them, of course I am still interested in something more but I have a hard time showing it.  So I continue to sleep with a guy until he finds something more substantial.

I am so terrified of being hurt that rather than just putting it all on the line and saying that I think we should try for something more I just let it all fall apart.  I am really trying not to do that right now.  I told PB that I really like him and he told me he liked me too.  I suggest we talk about what we “were”  and he agreed.  We were both pretty buzzed and he suggested we wait until the morning. Neither of us brought  it up, it was all I was thinking about but I just didn’t want to talk about it.  I was afraid I wouldn’t like what I was going to hear.

I just want someone to tell me it is okay for me to care.  I want someone to tell me they care and then I will be fine.  If I heard that then I know exactly how to act.  Right now I am starting to question everything and no one has done anything wrong.  We have another date this week, I saw him this morning when he brought me my phone and I talked to him on the phone twice today.  PB even wants to take my son snowboarding and to hang out for the day which is great.

I am just scared.  I am at the place where I really start to doubt myself.  I am really trying to communicate but once I start getting scared it seems like all the potential goes away and I start preparing for bad and hurt.  Regardless of what gets said or how he behaves positively the wall is already there and it is big and strong.

I want to be amazing for him.  We really need to talk about what happens next and I am just scared. I want to be able to tell him I do this and that I really want to be able to get past it with him.  I really do like him. He has been amazing to me. I don’t want to get hurt but I don’t want to hurt him either.