A while back I asked some of my readers to give me some topic ideas; things they’d like to see me address.  I thought I had addressed all of them. I actually skipped the one I wanted to write the most.  My blogger friend and PDX sister Jen at Sips of Jen and Tonic wanted me to address the issue of women and why we are giant snatches to each other.  (“Women hating on other women. GROWN women…” Her actual wording).

It is ingrained into girls at a very young age that should look a certain way/behave a certain way/think a certain way.  This does two things.  It makes us hypercritical of women who don’t behave the way we, ourselves, were raised to. It also creates a sense of competition in girls which often results in jealousy.

As young girls we are instilled with our parent’s values.  Their views of acceptable and unacceptable behavior become the basis by which all others will be judged.  Although our own views may be modified we still base our opinions and assessments of people on what’ve we learned is okay. As children we typically compare ourselves to peers of the same gender.  We decide who we like and who we don’t based on what we’ve been taught is appropriate.  We tend to flock to peers who behave in a way that isn’t unfamiliar or uncomfortable.  We shun the girls who don’t act the way we do.

When we start to judge the behavior of other girls we also start to compare other factors.  We compare our friends, our clothes and our looks to other girls around us.  We compare these things based on our parent’s perception of beauty, social standing and how our role models interact with their peers.  When I was a little girl my dad watched Wonder Woman every week.  He often said Linda Carter was beautiful.  My mother joked, “He had a crush on her.” As a result I often identified girls with dark hair and big light eyes as being more attractive than blondes or red heads. I had a light auburn tint to my hair and I had brown eyes.

At young age my perception of what beauty was was not reflected in the mirror I looked in every morning.  We begin to compare ourselves to others at a very young age.  We become aware of physical and social differences.  The idea of competition and jealousy stem from our perceived notion that someone else is superior physically, mentally and or socially. This sense of competition and basic understanding that we may not meet our these standards is carried with us into adulthood.

As we grow up our ideas about acceptable behavior, beauty and our belief structure may change but that desire to judge and compare ourselves to other women never does.  As we mature we all find ways to deal with that sense of competition and jealousy but it never goes away.  Women are raised in a way that encourages us to dislike each other.

I always try to be honest about what I feel and the truth is I have a hard time being friends with women.  When I do have female friends, I often form closer bonds with women I feel superior to or don’t view as a threat.  Any other relationships I have are more a case of keeping a close eye on the competition.  Regardless of the nature of my personal relationships, I don’t typically lash out at the women in my immediate social circle.

Even with women whom I genuinely connect there is a certain level of back-biting, shit talking and a strong desire to compete and compare.  Some of us have done a better job of adapting and trying to build relationships with other women. Women don’t know how to view other women as peers rather than competition.  We are jealous and tend to be more emotionally and psychologically cruel to each other because we all understand the basic insecurities of other women. Our mistreatment is often more damaging and effective than men’s.

Women are typically awful to other women because they are trying to prove their superiority or to deflect from some perceived inadequacy. How awful we are to each other is directly proportionate to how we feel about ourselves.  Our sense of self develops and strengthens as we get older.  The more secure we feel about ourselves the less inclined we are to point out the inadequacies of others.  Most women aren’t really capable of having a strong long term relationship with other women. We aren’t taught how to like each other.  Knowing and admitting all this doesn’t excuse grown women being cruel to other women.

Another lesson most of us learn as children is that people deserve a certain level of respect.  This also develops and grows with age.  As we become adults we learn that most of our desire to be cruel and hateful is useless and counterproductive, socially and emotionally.

Grown women who still openly hate and mistreat other women don’t like themselves.  Some people just never get to a point where they are able to love and accept themselves. I think men actually reach this point of self acceptance in adulthood more more quickly than women do.  The best advice I can give to a woman being attacked or harassed by another woman is to just keep doing you.  What some nasty, juvenile woman thinks doesn’t matter. She’s just pissed that you love and accept yourself.  All the other shit we compare doesn’t matter.  Your confidence is what really makes you superior and that jealous woman trying to cut you down knows it.