I totally plan on doing the last three days of my challenge. I have just been insanely distracted by two whole days of cooking, shopping at ungodly hours of the morning and bribing my adult son to come spend Christmas with me. New posts Monday… Or maybe this evening. Boy do I have things to tell you.
All posts tagged son
Posted by trjensen on November 23, 2012
My life would be simpler if . . .
- I could like the guys who like me, back.
- my son listened to me.
- my friends weren’t crazy.
- I was rich.
- I didn’t live in a cartoon.
- my youth wasn’t one continuous after school special.
- I didn’t want to be better.
- I didn’t always want.
The question is . . . Would I be happy? Shit no! I could always be happier but I am learning to appreciate my life and what I have to learn from it. Some of these things might make my life a little easier but I don’t think they’d make me happier. I need the struggle. I need the experience. That is how I became who I am. It is why I wanted to be better. I thrive when challenged. I guess I am glutton for punishment but I have to learn through experience. Its like my father always said, “You have to learn everything the hard way don’t ya’?” I guess he was right.
Posted by trjensen on December 17, 2011
I have been dealing with a lot of extra stress lately. Somehow I have managed to keep losing weight instead of piling the pounds back on. I have been able to focus on other things. I have been busy writing, visiting friends and trying to pull some semblance of a holiday together for my son and myself. I have just had stuff to do. Worrying about a pretty significant financial debt owed to me by the last guy I dated is the last thing on my mind. True that money would ensure I could in fact get gifts for my loved ones but it is the holidays and I just don’t want stay focused on getting money I am just not going to see before Christmas. I am sad that the holiday will be a little thinner than usual but I am just trying not to think about it for now.
I have also been struggling a little bit emotionally because the same guy is posting near daily statuses about his relationship with the mother of his child and how happy he is. I am glad he is happy but reading about how he has never been happier in his life hurts me more than I am willing to admit. Not having to read the posts was an easy fix. I just unsubscribed to his Facebook feed I have no idea if he is blissful or dying. Done and done!
My son, whom I love dearly, is still taking up residence in my living room. He is making no effort to find a job or another place to live and with my financial situation in dire straits it is adding unwanted and unneeded anxiety to what is typically my favorite and happiest time of the year.
I try not to talk about any of this much. It is the holidays and I am certain I have lessons to learn from these experiences, aside from the obvious. I am struggling for a reason although right now I am not exactly sure why. I always figure it out eventually. I need to address all of these issues. And the time will come when I have to get my money back and lay down the law with my son but I am just not willing to do that before Christmas.
- Never loan money to someone you are dating regardless of how awesome and sweet you think he is.
- If your son moves out of the house, don’t just let him move back in without a deadline.
- Don’t ever assume people will do what is best for you. They do what is best for them and then think of you.
Posted by trjensen on December 11, 2011
So I have a little problem. This is unrelated to my normal posts and I guess I am really looking for some advice given the person I would have gone to for counsel… just isn’t an option. I had rough time at the last apartment complex I lived at. I had issues with one woman in particular and I am not placing the blame solely on her shoulders but she had (I believe) a lot to do with why my last attempt at relationship went so poorly.
This woman hated me with a passion. I can theorize why she disliked me but it genuinely seemed that she hated me. When we met I did not trust her. It may have been a conflict in personalities. I really had no issue with her other than noting we would never be close. We had mutual friends at the complex and I always tried to be civil (for years I tried to be civil.) I had noticed that she seemed nosy with few of my neighbors and that she had no issue sharing personal information about them with others.
I had, on two occasions, tried to open up to her during periods where I was feeling particularly weak and needed someone to talk to. Both instances did not involve me sharing any major crises but where things I needed to vent about nonetheless. In both instances she shared the information with other people and in both cases by the time I got wind of the fact she had shared my personal business, it had come back merely a shadow of the drama she added for affect.
Once I became aware that this was happening I stopped talking to her. I would make polite conversation in mixed company but other than that I didn’t speak to her. She began talking about me to anyone who would listen. I have only encountered women who behave this way twice in my adult life. What she said about me was venomous and when I got sick of hearing what was being said I just stopped socializing at the complex. I literally didn’t speak to any of my neighbors.
Last year I started spending time with a coworker, a guy who also worked for the apartment complex in which I lived. As I began to develop feelings for this man and it had become apparent to everyone that I had, she began talking about me to him. She genuinely seemed to revel in my misery. She seemed happiest when I was sad and would go out of her way to goad me. I haven’t experienced a lot of that level of hatred as an adult and I really didn’t know how to deal with it.
When things didn’t work out between me and the guy I had been seeing I was devastated. I was broken and it has taken me a long time to get back to place where I feel like I am ready to move forward. During that time that I was struggling she was jubilant. She made no attempt to hide it. She would smirk and ask me how I was doing. She would ask my son if I was dealing with everything alright. She never did so out of concern but more as means to let me know she knew that I was hurting.
I wound up moving because I found it difficult to live there anymore. It was hard for many reasons but her inexplicable animosity toward me was a large part of the reason I left. When I moved I vowed that I would not befriend my new neighbors. I really seldom do get involved with my neighbors. The last place I lived reminded me of why. I am more than content to keep to myself.
Here is my issue. One of my new neighbors reminds me so much of this woman that it makes me uncomfortable. She is friendly but untrustworthy. She is nosy and seems to know a lot about our neighbors. I can ignore that. I can ignore her and I avoid her most days. But she seems to be sort of infatuated with my son. She just seems to think about and talk about him too much. She is definitely interested in him in a way that is not platonic and that makes me uncomfortable. I have mentioned this to him and he never really reacts. She is an admittedly promiscuous single mother of three and she is also emotionally unstable. There are few times in my life that I wish I had a man around for my son to talk to but right now I can’t think of anything I want more. I know he is going back to training in a few days but I am struggling with this. I just want to make sure he makes good choices for himself.
Posted by trjensen on July 17, 2011
Last year I started a blog, Almost Back at One which chronicled the struggles I experienced making some pretty significant emotional and physical changes in my life. It also served as a countdown to the inevitable, that my son Sean was becoming an adult and would soon being going out into the world leaving me, for the first time in my life, to live alone.
Two weeks ago, Sean moved to the coast to go to school. The event was bittersweet for me. I would be lying if I didn’t say I looked forward to a time when I could have my own place. I love my son and I miss him already but I also look forward to my new found freedom and all that entails. The first few weeks have been odd. I am not lonely but I am sure that I will get to place where I feel that. I am also certain the absence of my child will also get much stronger than it is now.
Right now the primary emotion I am feeling is one of excitement. I am optimistic about this new adventure. Although I have been trying to focus more on me over the past year I am now afforded the opportunity to put all my hard work to good use. I can do things for me, without guilt and with no damaging repercussions to anyone other than myself (not that I anticipate that there will be any.) My decision will ultimately only impact me and I have learned to value myself enough that I make wise choices.
I am “back at one,” well… one and a cat. I can do anything! Anything I want. My world has opened up and I fully intend on taking advantage of it. I have spent the bulk of the past few days getting comfortable with my new arrangements and mapping out how I should proceed. I would like to go visit some friends and I may just do it. If I go on a date we can go back to my place and that is fucking huge! It is something I have never afforded myself the opportunity to do.
I want go out and play. I want to have adventures. I am a very happy woman.
Posted by trjensen on June 11, 2011
Up until December of last year I hadn’t had sex in thirteen years. Some people find this difficult to believe, other think I am just insane. I just did what I thought was in the best interest of my child.
The last time I had had sex I was twenty-four having sex with a man who had been in a seven year relationship with one of my coworkers, in the front seat of his truck in the driveway of my home in Moreno Valley, CA. My roommate was home and I shared a room with my then five year old son, so we sat in the truck.
I didn’t even want to have sex with him. We had actually stopped seeing each other two months prior to our last sexual encounter. I was moving to Oregon the following week and he insisted that he give me a ride home so that he could say goodbye. He asked if I would spend the night at his place which he knew I would not do. I wasn’t spending the night away from son. After some serious persuasion he climbed on top of me. After a while I told him to finish so I could go in the house. He stared at me blankly and with a few more thrusts he was finished and I was hurrying into the house without even a goodbye.
It was that night that I decided that something had to change. I had been making poor decision that up until that moment had only affected me. I never wanted them to affect my son. I made poor choices and I had no desire to see my son suffer for or because my mistakes. I decided that I needed a break from men. I felt incapable of making solid healthy choices for myself in regard to my personal relationships so I vowed in that moment that I would not attempt to be in a relationship. I would focus all of my energy supporting my son. If I couldn’t be a good example in some aspectof my life then that aspect of my life would just be put on the back burner until it was no longer an issue.
And so I spent the next thirteen years of my life completely abstinent. I can count on one hand how many times I even kissed a man on the mouth during that period of my life. I went on a handful of dates that I viewed as platonic and conducted them as just that, friends having dinner or drinks or whatever. My focus was on my son. Every decision I made was one that I thought was in his best interest. I do not regret my choice to practice celibacy for a second. At some point a few years later I realized I didn’t even notice men much anymore. If I was informed some was interested in me my automatic response was I am just not really in a place where I want to date right now.
My desire for carnal pleasure during this time was not diminished however. I thought about sex a lot. I missed it terribly but I had made up my mind and when I decide I shouldn’t do something my self-control is unfaltering. And I masturbated a lot. I mean a lot. I might hold some record but I never really looked into it. I was a pro.
And then shortly before the end of this past year, just before my son’s nineteenth birthday I had sex for the first time in over a decade and it was amazing. I slept with a man I had dated a few times and had crush on for months. And the sex was everything I hoped it would be. I had developed a keen understanding of my body which made sex far more enjoyable than anything I had experienced when I was younger. It was incredible.
And do you know what I learned after my sabbatical from physical intimacy? I still have pretty bad taste in men or at least the men that right for me. It is the lesson I am still learning but not one my son was forced to learn through me. He knows what love is. He knows how to treat the people who care about him. And that is the lesson I wanted him to learn.
Posted by trjensen on May 30, 2011
I often find myself pondering who I think I really am. I decided to make a list of things I think define me. Then I thought I should share it and I am not sure how comfortable I am with that. I hand wrote the list but typed it for you so it was legible and because a friend of mine once said I had the handwriting of a serial killer. This is very personal but I always share personal information so here it is.
I am introspective
I am observant
I don’t see things in me that other people do and I am often surprised at how I try to conform to other people’s views of me
I second guess myself constantly
I am self-obsessed. I spend a lot of time examining and think about myself
I tend to obsess over anything I am interested in. Most of this comes off as overenthusiasm or insecurity
I over think everything
I tend think about myself in the third person when I am uncomfortable
I often pretend I am somewhere other than where I actually am
I struggle with body image. I don’t try to manipulate my weight. I just think I don’t see myself the way others see me.
I get nervous around attractive men.
I have had a tremor since I was a kid and I hate it.
I am pretty shy.
I am loud and don’t really care.
I think I am more attractive than I probably am
I think I have trouble with men because I am off (weird, strange, doing something wrong)
I don’t have nearly as many intimate encounters with men as I would like to
I am a writer
I think I have ADHD
I think I am socially awkward
I am not patient
I spend a lot of time alone and sometimes I hate that
I mother too much
I am a smart ass
I have a hard time apologizing for anything
I am optimistic
I have trust issues
I have my mother’s smile
I feel really dumb most of the time
I love to laugh
I am pretty good judge of character although sometimes I ignore red flags and people assume I am naïve
I have a hard time sitting still
I play favorites
I am kind of a pervert
I always have a preference
I say I am not mad when I am
Aside from that I am pretty honest
I am open and a terrible liar
Posted by trjensen on May 22, 2011
So… tomorrow is my birthday and the closer it gets, the older 38 feels to me. And for the record, if you are reading this and think 38 is old… Go fuck yourself. You don’t get an opinion. This is about me and I get to decide whether or not I am old. If you are thinking 38 is young however feel free to leave as many flattering comments as you like.
I don’t think living on the planet for thirty eight years is what makes me feel old. I think being 38, single and developing an increasingly cynical attitude toward everything is making me feel old. I do, in fact, feel too old for this shit. I have no relationship, no personal space and no clue (in the grander scheme of things) what the fuck I want. Feeling like I have skipped too many milestones makes me feel old. Having a 19 year old crashing on my couch and sleeping until 2:00 p.m. everyday makes me feel old.
Emotionally I am both more mature and less mature than I should be. My world view is slowly changing. I find myself feeling less inclined make excuses for others and often find it harder to see the good in someone who has hurt me. I am less patient (and that is hard to imagine.)
I do feel like I have learned a lot about people and about myself this year. I was reminded that people do what is best for them. This can be a painful lesson and the more times you have to learn it the harder it becomes. I have learned that wanting someone to be the person you see doesn’t make them that person. People are who they are and look out for themselves first. I am learning to do that too.
I am fortunate to have the people in my life that I do. My little universe is almost perfectly balanced. My true family all seated at the table. I have experienced a lot of love and support this past year and that is really the most valuable lesson of all. All the time I spent wanting one person to love me; I hardly saw all those that did. I know things happen when they are supposed to and I am so grateful for everyone who helped keep me up as I stumbled bruised and broken through that very tough lesson. They gave me the patience I couldn’t give myself.
While it seems, at times, like I have learned a lifetime worth of lessons over this past year, it doesn’t make me old. I am just more experienced. I am still just growing up, still learning all the little nuances of my relationships in this world and luckily I have some pretty amazing teachers. So I am not getting old just getting better.
I’ll be old when I am 45. (According to my son)
Posted by trjensen on May 9, 2011
Today, I asked my son why he carried paper towels around with him when he went on bike rides. He informed me that he prefers to go the bathroom outdoors. I asked him why he liked going #2 outiside and he simply stated, “I don’t know. I just do.”
I hate public toilets, port-a-potties and especially crapping outside. I like to do my business in the bathroom at my house. I am actually afraid of the outhouse like structures found at campsites but I would much rather use one than risk getting bit in the ass by something while shitting outside.
Where the hell did he get the idea it was okay to poop in the bushes along the bike trail near our house? And how does it become someone’s preference. I am deeply disturbed by this. Deeply disturbed.
Posted by trjensen on May 3, 2011