I don’t feel insecure often. I have worked very hard and I am proud of the transformations I have made in my life. I spent the better part of the past two years losing weight, focusing on my writing and trying to find a man who I care for and want to spend time with. Lately haven’t been doing much writing and I have (gasp) actually gained some weight. I have found a man who I am developing feelings for at a moment in which his life is getting complicated. All of these things are making me feel insecure.
I have gained more weight than I am comfortable with. This is happening for several reasons. I haven’t been feeling very well lately. I have been eating pretty poorly and I haven’t been getting nearly enough exercise. The weather in Portland seems to be pretty extreme for this time of year. It seems colder than it normally is and so I haven’t been running or walking. I need to suck it up and start exercising again. I need to take more care in what I eat and I need to get healthy again, in general. I am still well with in my weight range for my height/age but I am not super pleased with the way my body looks and feels of late. I need to get well and get back in shape. This is easy to achieve but in the meantime I am not feeling very confident about my body thus hindering my sense of self.
I have also not been writing nearly as much as I need to or as much as I enjoy. Writing often supplements my income and not doing it has put some strain on my finances. I find it more difficult to write when things in my life are going well. I find more inspiration in my struggles. I need to focus on my positivity and find a way to express the positive in positive situations, not just the negative ones. Writing clears my head, it helps me grow and it keeps me focused. I need to stay focused because when I don’t I gain weight and stop writing.
I have also been seeing someone for almost two months now and I am very happy with progression of our relationship. He makes me happy. He makes me feel valued and I really do love just sitting curled up next to him on his couch and talking. He really is what I look for in a man and I am happy to have him in my life. He became a first time father this week, started a new job and is going to college in the winter. The potential that we may not have as much time together makes me feel a little lonely. His life has become very busy very quickly and I am feeling very scared and unsure about our future. I still believe we have one it is just changing and that leaves me lots of time to worry about what can go wrong.
All of this has left me feeling insecure. I am insecure about everything and I can’t remember the last time I was this worried about things that, for the most part, I can resolve. So I am writing tonight, I am running tomorrow regardless of the weather and I am going to stop worry about things that are out of my control. I have become pretty good at changing my circumstances. I just need to take care of me first. Right now I need to do that. I need to get back to my normal healthy, optimistic self. I have no reason to feel insecure I just have work to do.
Posted by trjensen on October 30, 2011
So I have a little problem. This is unrelated to my normal posts and I guess I am really looking for some advice given the person I would have gone to for counsel… just isn’t an option. I had rough time at the last apartment complex I lived at. I had issues with one woman in particular and I am not placing the blame solely on her shoulders but she had (I believe) a lot to do with why my last attempt at relationship went so poorly.
This woman hated me with a passion. I can theorize why she disliked me but it genuinely seemed that she hated me. When we met I did not trust her. It may have been a conflict in personalities. I really had no issue with her other than noting we would never be close. We had mutual friends at the complex and I always tried to be civil (for years I tried to be civil.) I had noticed that she seemed nosy with few of my neighbors and that she had no issue sharing personal information about them with others.
I had, on two occasions, tried to open up to her during periods where I was feeling particularly weak and needed someone to talk to. Both instances did not involve me sharing any major crises but where things I needed to vent about nonetheless. In both instances she shared the information with other people and in both cases by the time I got wind of the fact she had shared my personal business, it had come back merely a shadow of the drama she added for affect.
Once I became aware that this was happening I stopped talking to her. I would make polite conversation in mixed company but other than that I didn’t speak to her. She began talking about me to anyone who would listen. I have only encountered women who behave this way twice in my adult life. What she said about me was venomous and when I got sick of hearing what was being said I just stopped socializing at the complex. I literally didn’t speak to any of my neighbors.
Last year I started spending time with a coworker, a guy who also worked for the apartment complex in which I lived. As I began to develop feelings for this man and it had become apparent to everyone that I had, she began talking about me to him. She genuinely seemed to revel in my misery. She seemed happiest when I was sad and would go out of her way to goad me. I haven’t experienced a lot of that level of hatred as an adult and I really didn’t know how to deal with it.
When things didn’t work out between me and the guy I had been seeing I was devastated. I was broken and it has taken me a long time to get back to place where I feel like I am ready to move forward. During that time that I was struggling she was jubilant. She made no attempt to hide it. She would smirk and ask me how I was doing. She would ask my son if I was dealing with everything alright. She never did so out of concern but more as means to let me know she knew that I was hurting.
I wound up moving because I found it difficult to live there anymore. It was hard for many reasons but her inexplicable animosity toward me was a large part of the reason I left. When I moved I vowed that I would not befriend my new neighbors. I really seldom do get involved with my neighbors. The last place I lived reminded me of why. I am more than content to keep to myself.
Here is my issue. One of my new neighbors reminds me so much of this woman that it makes me uncomfortable. She is friendly but untrustworthy. She is nosy and seems to know a lot about our neighbors. I can ignore that. I can ignore her and I avoid her most days. But she seems to be sort of infatuated with my son. She just seems to think about and talk about him too much. She is definitely interested in him in a way that is not platonic and that makes me uncomfortable. I have mentioned this to him and he never really reacts. She is an admittedly promiscuous single mother of three and she is also emotionally unstable. There are few times in my life that I wish I had a man around for my son to talk to but right now I can’t think of anything I want more. I know he is going back to training in a few days but I am struggling with this. I just want to make sure he makes good choices for himself.
Posted by trjensen on July 17, 2011