I climbed into the car trying to balance a bag with two burritos and my wallet in one hand, a tray of jojos and cup of ranch in the other. My friend reaching to grab a handful of potato wedges before my ass hit the seat. I sat down, tucked my wallet between my legs, set the bag with the burritos on the floor board and balanced the wedges on my leg.
“I am waiting for ranch…” my friend said, sounding annoyed. “ I am trying to figure out how to make this accessible to both of us without spilling it all over myself,” I answered. “Give me just a minute.” Finally I decided holding the ranch was the best option.
I offered her some ranch and she dipped the potato in. She took about half of the jojo into her mouth then tried to dip it back into the ranch. I pulled the ranch back toward me. “Don’t double dip. Just use the other end of the potato.” “Oh fuck you!” she screamed. Confused that my request elicited such a response I said, “I don’t like that. I just asked you dip the other end in the ranch.”
“Fuck you, I don’t want anymore. I am mad, she said shoving the remainder of the potato in her mouth. “I bought them to share. I just don’t want you to double dip. I don’t like that.” I said growing increasingly confused by her response to the situation. “Your reaction to my asking you not to stick something in your mouth then back in sauce we are sharing is ridiculous. You are being silly.” “I don’t want any of your stupid greasy food. You eat it and get fat,” she announced.
I moved the ranch away from her and put the potatoes in the bag with the burritos. I didn’t say anything else to her on the ride home. I have been dealing with this for about ten months now. It reminded me of every conversation I ever had with my father.
That is a crazy irrational response to request isn’t it?
Posted by trjensen on May 17, 2013
Can I just say that I can’t remember the last time I was really this unhappy. I mean I am really unhappy! That alone is depressing enough to me.
I haven’t been writing much. My financial situation is still pretty precarious and I have been too busy trying to find any job that I haven’t had time to think about anything positive. A friend who owes me a lot of money said he’d have the bulk of this month’s rent for me then went and partied it all away. I was counting on it and now a little over week before rent is due I am fucking stuck in the same position I was last month.
I am angry and fucking hurt and scared fucking shitless. It seems I am incapable of being nice to anyone at the moment. I am snapping at everyone. I feel really on edge. I truly feel like I am losing control of everything. Hopefully things will get back on track soon. I may be able to go and live with a friend in July but I have a lot to do before that can happen.
Hopefully I’ll have something positive to say soon.
Posted by trjensen on May 20, 2012
The last four days of my life have been amazing. The entire month has been pretty spectacular actually but I have learned a lot in the past few days. I had an amazing evening out Friday with friends and then and even more amazing night at home with just one. I went to the beach for the weekend with some more friends and spent a lot of the time having articulate, structured conversations about relationships, dating and personal growth.
I have spent much of the last month focusing on how I interact with others in more vulnerable situations. Situations I have, in the past, allowed to warp into something that would ultimately hurt me because I tend to give into my emotions in intimate situations. When it comes to relationships I tend to be ruled by my emotions. I am often oversensitive and uncommunicative. Rather than just understanding what I need I now communicating that to others. I am reining in my emotions without disconnecting completely. I am enjoying simple human experiences for what they are rather than projecting a future into something just because I assume that they are tethered to my actions.
I am learning what triggers an emotional response from me and how to maintain some measure of control over my feelings when that is happening. I seem distant or consumed by what I am experiencing but I am really examining what I am looking for in a long term relationship by dating and being more open about what I need, what I want and how something makes me feel. I feel more at peace. I feel less anxious and I am far less nervous around men due in large part to the fact that I can express myself.
I can’t remember the last time I felt this relaxed. I feel rejuvenated. I am finally getting to the point in my life where I know how to look for a partner and take rejection a little less personally. I can talk to men, even in intimate situations and focus on the moment. I am putting less pressure on myself, enjoying opportunities to expand my social circle and taking the time to get know people without feeling the pressure of an expected outcome.
I have grown so much over the past month. I have finely moved on from a very difficult period in my life. The wounds are healing. I no longer pick at them causing them to continually fester. Any scars that remain are solely a result of my not allowing time to heal them properly. Now I am moving forward, scars and all. They serve to remind that I don’t need to try so hard. I don’t need to settle and I don’t have to lose myself to find a man who will appreciate our time together.
I am a really happy woman. I am proud of myself and I am growing more optimistic. I have learned a valuable lesson. I am amazing and I need to be able to share that. I don’t need to prove anything and now I can just relax.
Posted by trjensen on August 21, 2011