(Ir)Rational Thought

I climbed into the car trying to balance a bag with two burritos and my wallet in one hand, a tray of jojos and cup of ranch in the other. My friend reaching to grab a handful of potato wedges before my ass hit the seat.  I sat down, tucked my wallet between my legs, set the bag with the burritos on the floor board and balanced the wedges on my leg.

“I am waiting for ranch…” my friend said, sounding annoyed. “ I am trying to figure out how to make this accessible to both of us without spilling it all over myself,” I answered. “Give me just a minute.” Finally I decided holding the ranch was the best option.

I offered her some ranch and she dipped the potato in. She took about half of the jojo into her mouth then tried to dip it back into the ranch.  I pulled the ranch back toward me. “Don’t double dip. Just use the other end of the potato.” “Oh fuck you!” she screamed.  Confused that my request elicited such a response I said, “I don’t like that.  I just asked you dip the other end in the ranch.”

“Fuck you, I don’t want anymore. I am mad, she said shoving the remainder of the potato in her mouth. “I bought them to share. I just don’t want you to double dip. I don’t like that.” I said growing increasingly confused by her response to the situation.  “Your reaction to my asking you not to stick something in your mouth then back in sauce we are sharing is ridiculous. You are being silly.” “I don’t want any of your stupid greasy food.  You eat it and get fat,” she announced.

I moved the ranch away from her and put the potatoes in the bag with the burritos.  I didn’t say anything else to her on the ride home.  I have been dealing with this for about ten months now.  It reminded me of every conversation I ever had with my father.

That is a crazy irrational response to request isn’t it?

Yet Another Depressing Update

Can I just say that I can’t remember the last time I was really this unhappy.  I mean I am really unhappy!  That alone is depressing enough to me.

I haven’t been writing much.  My financial situation is still pretty precarious and I have been too busy trying to find any job that I haven’t had time to think about anything positive.  A friend who owes me a lot of money said he’d have the bulk of this month’s rent for me then went and partied it all away.  I was counting on it and now a little over week before rent is due I am fucking stuck in the same position I was last month.

I am angry and fucking hurt and scared fucking shitless.  It seems I am incapable of being nice to anyone at the moment.  I am snapping at everyone.  I feel really on edge.  I truly feel like I am losing control of everything.  Hopefully things will get back on track soon.  I may be able to go and live with a friend in July but I have a lot to do before that can happen.

Hopefully I’ll have something positive to say soon.



Managing to Manage My Weight

When I decided I needed to settle down a little bit and just date one guy I gained weight.  I gained more weight than I wanted to gain.  I gained weight that I had managed to keep off for two years.  It wasn’t that I didn’t care about my body or the way I looked. I didn’t get lazy.  I was still exercising (and getting plenty of cardio. :P)  Still I managed to gain almost twenty pounds over a period of three months while I dated the same guy.  I am getting the weight back off.  So why do women really gain weight when in a relationship?  The most common theory is that women stop trying so hard once they feel like they are in a relationship, that they get lazy.  I lost weight and look the way I look for me, not for anyone else and I want to feel good about myself so I would never stop taking care of myself.  I do think other things can cause women to gain weight is a relationship.

Differences in Diet

As a woman who is primarily vegetarian (I occasionally eat seafood,) it can be difficult to date an omnivore especially when said omnivore only eats vegetables if they are fried.  When your diet in no way resembles  that of the man you are dating you find yourself adapting so as not have to prepare two separate meals.  Attempts to squeeze your healthier dietary choices into the joint menu are frowned upon and next thing you know you are eating lots of stuff you wouldn’t eat at home.  Fried everything is not an effective way to manage your weight.


When women start dating a new guy there is a period of excessive socializing.  You want to show each other off, meet each other’s friends and just go out and have fun.  Typically these meet and greets happen at bars or parties.  Alcohol can be a huge factor to think about when you are watching your weight.  I often find that I might have a drink or two to relax when meeting new people.

The Comfortable Phase

Once you’ve met everyone and really start to spend some good quality time alone together, you find yourself sitting on a couch talking or cuddled up watching movies and just enjoying each other’s company.  You spend more time lying in bed in the morning.  You aren’t so eager to go out.  You become more content just spending time lounging.  This can lead to a decrease in opportunities to exercise (besides the aforementioned cardio.)


Relationships can be a source of stress even without external problems.  You worry about things like how much time you spend together.  Relationships change as everything falls into place.  The way you regard each other changes and sometimes it can cause you to worry about how everything feels.  As you get more serious, discussions of huge life changes like living together and children can add to that stress.  Many women gain weight when under a significant amount of pressure.

The potential to gain weight is just higher when you are in a relationship.  There are things that can cause you to lose control of your weight even when nothings changes about the way you manage your health.  You are still doing your best to stay healthy.  You just have to consider what else is going on in your life and still try to maintain a sense of your physical health.  You have to be flexible and adjust as is necessary.

I know many of these things had a lot to do with my weight gain and I know that I only have myself to blame.  I know how to take care of myself and what I need to do to stay healthy.  I didn’t get lazy but I also didn’t consider how spending time with someone could affect my overall health.  It is a lot easier to gain weight than to lose it.  It just comes down to the age old lesson.  You have to take care of you first.

You’re Amazing Just the Way You Are

The last four days of my life have been amazing.  The entire month has been pretty spectacular actually but I have learned a lot in the past few days.  I had an amazing evening out Friday with friends and then and even more amazing night at home with just one.  I went to the beach for the weekend with some more friends and spent a lot of the time having articulate, structured conversations about relationships, dating and personal growth. 

I have spent much of the last month focusing on how I interact with others in more vulnerable situations.  Situations I have, in the past, allowed to warp into something that would ultimately hurt me because I tend to give into my emotions in intimate situations.  When it comes to relationships I tend to be ruled by my emotions.  I am often oversensitive and uncommunicative.  Rather than just understanding what I need I now communicating that to others.  I am reining in my emotions without disconnecting completely. I am enjoying simple human experiences for what they are rather than projecting a future into something just because I assume that they are tethered to my actions.

I am learning what triggers an emotional response from me and how to maintain some measure of control over my feelings when that is happening.  I seem distant or consumed by what I am experiencing but I am really examining what I am looking for in a long term relationship by dating and being more open about what I need, what I want and how something makes me feel.  I feel more at peace.  I feel less anxious and I am far less nervous around men due in large part to the fact that I can express myself.

I can’t remember the last time I felt this relaxed.  I feel rejuvenated.  I am finally getting to the point in my life where I know how to look for a partner and take rejection a little less personally.  I can talk to men, even in intimate situations and focus on the moment.  I am putting less pressure on myself, enjoying opportunities to expand my social circle and taking the time to get know people without feeling the pressure of an expected outcome.

I have grown so much over the past month.  I have finely moved on from a very difficult period in my life.  The wounds are healing.  I no longer pick at them causing them to continually fester. Any scars that remain are solely a result of my not allowing time to heal them properly.  Now I am moving forward, scars and all.  They serve to remind that I don’t need to try so hard.  I don’t need to settle and I don’t have to lose myself to find a man who will appreciate our time together.

I am a really happy woman.  I am proud of myself and I am growing more optimistic.  I have learned a valuable lesson.  I am amazing and I need to be able to share that.  I don’t need to prove anything and now I can just relax.


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