I Am Pissed (at myself)
I have worked so hard to lose weight and be happy with my weight. This morning I had Sean takes some pictures of me because I dyed my hair and I wanted to show it off on Facebook. I had him take a few full body shots and I was kinda’ upset at by how I look in them. I am heavier than I want to be. I really need to lose about ten to fifteen pounds.
So now I am cranky. I really don’t have poor body image but I hate those fucking pictures. I am so agitated. Bleh!
P.S. I like the hair color though!
Another Reason Women Hate Me
I love making people laugh. Almost nothing makes me feel better than that. I like thinking of myself as a funny girl. I especially like when I can make people laugh and not be worried that someone in the room may be offended by what I am saying. If I don’t have to be careful, I am in heaven. Sometimes I just don’t care about being careful. That is typically when I get in trouble.
One night I was at a close girlfriend’s house hanging out with her and her boyfriend. We had been drinking and I had been on a roll all night. I was cracking everyone up. For most of the night I had them both in stitches. I especially enjoy making people I find funny, laugh and my friend’s boyfriend is hysterical. He cracks me up all the time. I had him laughing so hard he was asking his girlfriend to get me to shut up. I just kept going.
The three of us were on the back porch smoking and I was discussing something I had written about a few days earlier. He questioned that I had limits when it came to sex. I told him I had a few but the one thing I just couldn’t do was let a guy come on my face. He began laughing hysterically. He mentioned that it was really a control thing and I assured him I knew that. I went on and on about how degrading it was. My girlfriend became oddly quiet. I looked at her for a moment, trying to decipher the look on her face. Her lips were pressed in a thin line. I paid her no mind. I rambled about the act and how I had never ever in all of my male encounters allowed that to happen. Then I got to the story about the shirt. “Me cumming on your face is my way of letting you know you’ll never meet my parents.” My friend’s boyfriend came unglued. He was laughing so hard he was holding his sides and begging me to stop. In that instance my friend moved quickly to the sliding glass door, threw it open and turned to her boyfriend. “I have already met your mother,” she yelled at him. She then entered the house and slammed the door behind her.
For a moment we were both silent. I am sure I looked terribly shocked. When the only remaining member of my audience saw my face he began cracking up again. I was trying to fight the urge to laugh with him and failing miserably. “Why didn’t you tell me you come on her face?” I asked, trying to maintain my composure. He was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer. “You are an asshole!” I yelled at him then I gave into my desire to double over laughing. “I am an asshole!” I declared. After a moment I tried to regain control of myself. When I did I went in and apologized for making her feel bad. She was still pissed but she started talking to me again.
I was sorry I made her feel bad but I wasn’t sorry I had an opinion on the matter. I have been told that I am crappy at apologizing. People elect to feel how they feel about something and I can’t control how someone else elects to feel. It seems like women get more annoyed by this logic than men. I guess I should try to be more conscious of other people. Sometimes that just isn’t fun.
Thank You!
I know I have done this before but I don’t feel like I could ever do it enough. It means so much to me that all of my readers and fellow bloggers take time out of their busy schedules to read my work. I am so happy to have found my place among my fellow artists and writers. Our support of each other’s work and continued involvement in our craft is important, not only each individual but to this wonderful writers’ world.
I have been so humbled and lifted up by the talent of the company I keep. You all keep striving to do better. You give the strength I need to continue to achieve my goals. I do what I do because you have all embraced my writing in all of its often awkward openness. And I am truly honored to know the work of so many men and women who open themselves up to the world with such bravery, honesty and beauty.
I mean it when I say I am lucky girl. I have found a home. I’ve found a place where people understand me. That is beautiful place to be. My gratitude is immeasurable .
Much Love
The Narcissist
TMI Award!!!!
The TMI Blog Award honors those blogs that discuss everything in detail and do it well. These bloggers aren’t afraid to discuss their most awkward, embarrassing and intimate experiences with honesty, humor and little to no filter.
The lovely and talented Lauren at Viciously Sweet and I put our heads together and decided that there was an award that was missing here in the blogsphere. Where, oh where was the blog award that acknowledged the bravery and insanity required to share every messy detail of themselves with the good people of the interwebs? Lauren was kind enough to use her talent to create this beautiful award and it is awesome. So without further ado, I would like to present the rules and award to some of its first recipients. (Lauren and I are both handing out the first round of the awards.)
Here are the rules
Thank the person who presented you with the award.
Link back to the blogger who presented the award to you.
Share an awkward, embarrassing and intimate story in 100 250 words or less. (Based on the fact that Lauren and I both went over the word count I am upping it to 250.)
Copy and paste the blog award on your blog.
Present the TMI Blog Award to 5 – 10 deserving blogs.
Let them know they have been chosen by leaving a comment at their blog.
Bonus
I am going to share my own awkward story. No one but the person who was involves in said occurrence has ever heard this story. I really can’t believe I am going to tell anyone but is very funny and gross.
One night I was spending the night with the guy I had been dating. We had been drinking and after a while we were both feeling frisky and went to his room to mess around. I pulled down his pants and began to give him a blow job. Sometimes I have a great gag reflex and sometimes I don’t. When I am really drunk it can be pretty sensitive. So anyway… I have him in my mouth and I take him all the way down (which I am proud of because he is very umm… long.) For some reason he starts thrusting and he obviously can’t go any further. The thrusting creates a kind of suction in my throat and I get really nauseous. I can’t warn him because my mouth is full. So when he pulls out the contents of my stomach come up too. Yes ladies and gentleman, I threw up all over his lap. I probably would have been more embarrassed if I had been sober and he hadn’t freaked out the way he did. He was trying to pick it up which was futile as trying pick up water with your fingers. I fell over on my side laughing. It still makes me laugh. It is gross and embarrassing but really funny. I was going to save it for my book but I wanted to share it with you guys first. Aren’t you all soooooo lucky?
And the award goes to…
Dater of Boys/How to Date Boys
Congrats!
Congratulations to all the winners! I truly admire the openess and fearlessness with which you share yourselves.
Tag You’re It
There’s a fun game going on. It’s called “Tag You’re It” and Lafemmeroar just tagged me.
I love the idea of this game! How effing fun?!?!?! I apologize now for anyone who I ask to answer my question because you know they will all be highly inappropriate. This is like a Slam Book! Do you remember those from jhs/hs?
Here are The Rules.
- You must post the rules.
- Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post and then create eleven new questions to ask the people you’ve tagged.
- Tag eleven people and link to them on your post.
- Let them know you’ve tagged them!
Lafemmeroar’s Questions:
- If your privates itched in public would you scratch or suffer? I would try to be as discreet about it as possible but I would scratch. I was in a grocery store one day with my friend and had an itch that was making me crazy. Just as I started to scratch a man walked down the aisle and gave me a look. I nodded toward my friend and said, “She gave me crabs.” He just chuckled but my friend was mortified. LOL!
- What’s your favorite meal of the day? I like breakfast but I like it best for dinner.
- What’s your idea of a perfect day? If I could just lie in bed all day spooning with a man of my choosing I totally would.
- Describe yourself in three words. Funny, Open and Horny (like 24/7)
- If you could have three wishes come true, what would they be? I would want money. I have had money and not had money at certain points in my life and I was always more comfortable when I had it. I would want my son to be healthy, always. I would want partner. Not to make someone fall in love with me. That would be no fun but maybe a big giant red arrow over of the head of the guys I should give a shot.
- What kind of books do you read? I am a sci-fi nerd so anything supernatural or horror for fun light reading. When I want something more substantial I like Morrison, O’Conner, Huxley and the list goes on. At this very moment I am reading Hunger Games and I just finished two Charlaine Harris books.
- What’s your definition of love? Caring for someone, wanting them to be happy and being part of what makes them feel happy and special.
- What is your philosophy about life? You live and you learn.
- Exercise or diet? (You can only choose one.) Exercise. I don’t really diet. I love cardio.
- Tell us about the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you. Hmm… I don’t embarrass easily. Recently I went to the television studio I used to work for to help with a community event. Being an event they took tons of pictures. A few days later I get an email from one of the women. “Here are the pics we took, by the way, nice bra!” I opened the pictures and with the flash from the camera my top was almost completely see through. I died laughing but they couldn’t use any of the pics witn me in them from the event because you could see a little too much of me. It was so embarrassing.
- What would you do if a “flasher” came up to you and exposed himself? I suppose it depended on what he looked like. I would be the girl that looked a little too long. He would probably get uncomfortable before I did.
My Questions:
If the person you were dating asked you how many partners you have had would you answer the question?
- Penises are…
- Vaginas are…
- What is the weirdest request you have ever gotten from a person you were dating?
- List three qualities a person of the opposite sex have to possess for you to consider a relationship?
- What are your three biggest turn-offs?
- What is the single sexiest physical attribute someone can possess?
- If you could only choose one… Great Sex or Great Oral Sex?
- What is the worst pick up line you have ever heard?
- Have you ever gone home with someone you just met?
- How do you feel about cat calls?
- Top or bottom? (Chose one)
And I am tagging…
My “Up” Date
After spending practically two weeks doing absolutely nothing, because I would like slide under February’s radar for the rest of the month and I have been thinking way too much about everything and everyone, I decided I needed to get out of the house. I have been pretty stressed out lately. I had been having bad dreams and unpleasant conversations with unpleasant people. All of it was taking its toll on my emotional wellbeing.
On Valentine’s Day I exchanged some texts with the Pretty Boy and we made plans to do something Saturday night. I suggested we go out for drinks because the last time I had seen him was in no way, shape or form fun. The conversation we had the following weekend wasn’t either. I just wanted to go out, drink and make questionable decisions. He agreed that it sounded like a good time.
Saturday in the early afternoon I received a text from him informing me that he was super hung over from the night before. I asked if that meant we weren’t doing anything and he said he wanted to wait a while before he decided whether or not he was up to it. I was pretty angry and sent him a text saying that if he wasn’t feeling well there was nothing to be done and that I was bummed. I was actually pretty pissed off. I told my friend at that point it was probably wiser that we just called it off because I was in a foul mood.
Around 5:00 p.m. he im’d me on Facebook and said he still wanted to do something and I decided I still really did too. He wasn’t up for drinking which is what I had planned on so when he showed up he asked me what else we could do. I mentioned I hadn’t eaten and so we decided on dinner and a movie. We chatted and laughed while we ate and then I ordered a beer. We headed into the theater and when the flick was over we went back to his place.
We woke up in the morning but it was nearly noon before we got out of bed. We headed to the gym. I did cardio and while he lifted. When we were finished we grabbed some food and sat in silence almost the entire time. I was having flash backs of my visit two week prior, when he was hurt. I pulled his phone out and toyed with it. I asked him what he was thinking about and he said he was looking at motorcycles. He turned his phone around to show me. I did have a nice series of conversations with our waitress though.
When we left he dropped me off at home. He was silent the entire time so I just rambled on and on about everything that I could think of. When I got out of the car I asked him if he was okay and he told me he had a headache. I joked that I had given him the headache and he said that he had it since we left the gym. I asked him why he didn’t just say something. He shrugged and I shut the door and walked to my apartment. * But the sex was amazing and I could never get tired of seeing that man naked. So… the evening/morning weren’t a complete “blah.”
He has a lot going on. I know and I understand, as much as I can, what he is going through. My issue is he won’t talk about it and when he does, if I have anything to say he doesn’t respond at all. He has a wall so tall and thick that it makes mine look like a chain link fence. If I talk to him about how I am doing, he does nothing more than acknowledge I am speaking.
He is not the same guy I started dating. He isn’t able to see his daughter because he is filling for partial custody and has to have limited contact until that happens. He misses his daughter terribly. He is also worried about his finances and myriad of other things. I try to get him to talk about it and he won’t. He just isn’t really capable of even dating right now. He is so emotionally spent and every time I see him angry or quiet I want to scream at him. I want to be there so he can talk about it but he seldom does. It is like trying to make a dent in a wall with a cooked spaghetti noodle.
I feel bad for him but I won’t let him make me feel bad too. I want to help but he doesn’t want me too. I am just frustrated and I want someone I can lean on and who can lean on me. I am so agitated. He won’t ask for help and won’t accept it. I can’t do anything but back off and that is exactly what I am going to do.
Red Flags: A Plethora of Female Items
I have decided to start a new series. I am going to write a series of posts about red flags a girl looking for a relationship should be mindful of. I’ll add items as I see fit. Welcome to the inaugural post. I hope enjoy and please feel free to suggest topics as you see fit.
When you get really serious about wanting a substantial relationship there are some pretty universal red flags in certain behaviors or situations that clearly indicate that the man you are dating isn’t looking for a partner.
If you are hanging out a man’s house or spend the night and you find that he has a entire set of female toiletries in addition to his own then this is probably not a guy who is ever going to want to be your boyfriend. If he just happens to have a woman’s shirt you should be wondering why. If you forgot a hair tie and he says he has one then brings you several and asks which one you want, he is probably not ready to commit.
If one of these things is present and you know he just got out of a relationship then you could overlook it but I would still be wondering why he held onto the useless item rather than discarding it at the end of the relationship. If he has all of these items then that should be a big red flag. You just slept with a man that has had many female guests; so many in fact that he has everything you might need in the morning.
I actually had a guy try to give me some other woman’s blouse once. I couldn’t find mine and he went into a drawer and tossed me a top and asked me if it would fit. I insisted we find my shirt. There was no way I was wearing his girlfriend/ex-girlfriend/booty call’s shirt home. Why the hell would he even have kept it? Maybe he was a cross dresser.
I have brand new toothbrushes for guests just in case they forgot theirs or I had a party and someone unexpectedly stayed the night. I understand that that can be misconstrued too but if a single man has female hair products and body wash all set up for you in the bathroom when you are getting in the shower then that is a very different situation.
If you are looking for something serious and a guy has everything you need for an unplanned overnight visit then he isn’t looking for the same thing. It is a red flag and you should check him off your list.
Glitter E. Yaynus Award!
I have received the Glitter E. Yaynus Award. When I checked the award I laughed. Apparently the award is to be given to people who A) Like to talk about themselves and/or B) Have shown their proverbial ass on their blog. I am proud to say that I have done both on more than one occasion and proudly except the award bestowed on me by the lovely Lizzie at Running Naked with Scissors.
Thank you Lizzie! Lizzie said, “This may be the only award I ever get that she doesn’t already have so I have to take the opportunity.” You are correct, madam. I knew nothing of the Glitter E. Yaynus Award and it is probably the one award, no one could argue is appropriate for my blog. And now for the rules…
First: Tell people at least five things you do that would make them want to kill you, or at the very least, make them hate you for the rest of their lives. I could name way, way more than five. If listed the unintentional things I would have enough pages for a novel.
I am constantly showing my girlfriends pictures of all the hot (and I mean hot) guys I have dated. My favorite time to show of my eye candy pics is when I am being accused of trying to poach some creepy bar troll from one of my friends while out. I simply take out my phone find a picture of the guy I am dating and remind them that “I date guys that look like this.” It typically shuts them up and pisses them off.
I swear all the time. I swear as much if not more than my Scottish friend and he cusses a lot. I am constantly being shooshed. I spent the bulk of my youth hanging out with kids who grew up on the wrong side of the tracks. It is just the way I talk. I am getting better about controlling it based on a situation but once I have had a few drinks all bets are off.
I will Google something and prove to you that I am right. If you feel the need to attempt to correct me when I know I am correct then I will return the favor by proving you wrong regardless of who is around. If I am wrong then I am wrong and I don’t make a big deal about it but if I tell you something and I can prove that I am correct then you can bet your ass I am going to do so. It is totally ego but if I feel like someone is just trying to be an asshole then I will be one right back.
I will talk about sex with complete strangers at a bar, restaurant or in a store. It doesn’t typically start out as a conversation with strangers. I am normally talking to friends and someone overhears and chimes in or someone asks me what I do and explain that I write about dating and/or that used to write porn summaries for an adult video company. Regardless of how the conversation starts, with me, it typically ends in a conversation about sex.
I will write about anything I feel like writing about. If I need to write about something, I write about it. If I am mad then I say so. If someone pisses me off I’ll share that story. If someone does something stupid then I will recount it as accurately as I can. The problem is everyone assumes everything is about them. I’ll say something like, “No it is about me,” and then they hate me.
The next thing you have to do according to the rules is this: Run across a freeway blindfolded. I am nowhere near a freeway and I value you my awesome self way too much to risk getting hit by a car and I have no insurance.
The third thing I am supposed to do is pick out five things that I would stick up my ass if I was forced to.
Anyone’s poor opinion of me. But then I would pull it back out and insist they carry it around with them.
Anything I might lose. I misplace my keys and debit card on occasion. If I shoved them up my butt then I wouldn’t have to worry about losing them.
My purse. My son is under the misguided impression I can shit money anyway.
My “Fat” pictures. There aren’t many of these still in existence but I would gladly shove them up my ass if it meant no one would ever see them again.
Marshmallows. Everything else will take up so much room that I think a few marshmallows maybe the only thing that will still fit.
I am also supposed to pick out five bloggers who I feel are worthy of Prom Court. Who has a glittery ass? Hmm. Who won’t this offend? Hmm…
Jeanna at Xanax or Running Shoes because she is awesome and loves her “bad” self.
MC at MysteryCoach because she is outspoken and I LOVE her for that.
Cadence at Search 4 a Soul Mate because she is honest.
Carrie at ladywithatruck because she posted those pictures of her smashed finger.
Jen at Sips of Jen and Tonic mostly because I want to see what she has to say about getting the award.
And included the award in you acceptance post.
That is all! Thanks for reading. I am going to return to staring at myself in the mirror now.
Much Needed Debauchery
Tonight I have a date. I haven’t been out of the house for fun in almost two weeks and I know that is entirely my fault. If I want to get out and do something then I should just do it but I find it is far easier to get weight regiment back in place when I stay home, eat what I am supposed to and try to get some exercise in. I am always thinner during the spring/summer than I am when the weather is not so friendly. I am typically about ten pounds heavier in the colder months and I have been trying to focus on getting rid of it. Nice weather is coming and I want to make sure I am ready for it. But tonight I am going to have fun.
I am going to the gym then out to dinner and drinks with Pretty Boy. I haven’t seen him in almost two weeks and I really miss his face. He texted me on Valentine’s Day and we made plans to do something this weekend. His back and neck feel better (ironically something is going on with my neck but I’ll tough it out) and I want to go do something. Regardless of our conversation last weekend, I really want to see him and spend some time with him when he isn’t hurting and not feeling so well. I still think that a lot of what transpired between us over the past two weeks had to do with the fact that he was in pain and had a lot on his mind.
I am not expecting that anything has changed in regard to where he is emotionally but we agreed we’d like to see each other so I am just going to take that for what it is and see what happens. At this point I feel pretty detached from the situation which annoys me because the last thing I want is to feel indifferent toward yet another guy.
Tonight I am not going to worry about any of that. Tonight I am going to get out of the house, have a few drinks and probably misbehave. Sometimes I really need a little debauchery. I just need to let go and live in the moment. I just need a release (in more ways than one.) Sometimes I just need to be hedonistic. I don’t indulge myself as much anymore. So tonight I am going to make some really questionable decisions. Maybe I’ll feel bad about them tomorrow morning but I doubt it.
Just a Thought!
I have been thinking about creating a new blog award. Can I do that? Hmm… I think I will anyway. I have to design something of course which means I have to pester Lauren (hint, hint.) Yup I think! I am going to do it. I think there needs to be an award that acknowledges those of us who like to overshare.
Is this a terrible idea? I think not! Let me know what ya think. Okay? Okay!
